the substances of dream part 2

 

 

THE HEART OF A WOMAH

 

 

 

 

     And depreciation with such contemptuous and yet delicious candour to such a one as me? Aye! well indeed she might despise a husband so unutterably despicable; and yet his oblivion of his own honour is easier by far to understand than his blindness to the value of the thing he gave away. And would she tell me anything at all, unless she had come to the conclusion that I was worthy of her confidence? And who knows? For why should she consent to be given like a horse to Narasinha? Why might she not prefer to give herself, and choose for herself the man who was to be her owner? And what if I could persuade her to let me be the man? And at the very thought, my head began to swim in the delirium of hope and almost unimaginable anticipation. And I said: Dear Tara wall, is it the fault of the ocean gem, if its boorish owner flings it away, taking it for a bit of common glass, and ignoring its inestimable worth? There are other and better judges, who would give their very lives, only to be allowed to pick it up.

 

   And she looked at me with a smile, and she leaned towards me, and she said, with gentle mischief in her eyes: Shall I tell thee thy very thoughts, and it may be, tumble down for thee the unsubstantial castles thou art even already building in the air? Thou art marvelling at the King, for giving me so carelessly away: and thou art wondering, why I am telling thee about it: and last of all, it may be, thou art counting on my independence. Is it not so? And I hung my head in silence, ashamed at being so accurately detected by the subtle penetration of this extraordinary Queen. And presently she said, as if to console me for my confusion, with unutterable sweetness in her voice: Come, do not allow delusive imagination to run away with thee, but curb him, and rein him up, and stop him, and be wise. For I belong, body and soul, to Narasmha. And yet, for all that, I am my own mistress, and act exactly as I choose. And I see anyone I please, and at my own time, and go, like a wild elephant, wherever inclination leads me. And music is my passion, and I heard of thee, and sent for thee, and now that I have seen thee, I like thee. And now, shall we be friends?

 

     And as she ended, she put out towards me both her hands, leaning towards me, and looking at me with a smile, and eyes full of an invitation so irresistibly caressing that it swept away my self-control, consuming it like a blade of grass in a forest fire. And I started to my feet, and instantly she rose herself. And I seized her right hand in my own, with a grip that made it an unwilling prisoner beyond all hope of escape. And I exclaimed with agitation: Friends! only friends! Alas! O Tara wall, hast thou given thyself, body and soul, so absolutely to Narasinha, as not to have left even the very smallest atom over, for me, now that I have discovered thee at last? O I have dreamed of thee, and thy sweetness, and thy eyes, so long, so long.

 

    And as I gazed at her, forgetting everything in the world, but my incontrollable thirst for herself, she sighed, and she said with compassion: Poor boy! I did ill, to summon thee at all. Thou art only drinking poison, and yet I know not any antidote, save only to bid thee go away.

 

    And I stood, bereft of my senses, and without knowing what I did, pulling her by the hand, that lay reluctantly in mine, endeavouring to free itself in vain. And half resisting, half consenting, against her own will, to be pulled, she came slowly towards me, leaning back, and looking at me with eyes that seemed to implore me to release her, and yet, unable to be harsh, no matter what I did. And at last, she reached me, and she closed her eyes, as I kissed her, with a shudder of delight that was almost terror, on the lips. And then instantly I let her go, and stood aghast at what I had done. And I stammered: Forgive! for I did not know what I was doing.

 

    And she shook her head, and said very gently: Nay, it is I myself who am to blame: since I might have known that this would be the inevitable end. But now, good-bye! for thou hast been here already far too long. And then, she hesitated for an instant, looking at me as if with pity; and she said with a smile: Thou must absolutely go, and yet my heart is sorry for thee, for I understand, what going means, to thee. Come, if thou wilt, I will allow thee, to bid me good-bye.

 

    And as she held out her arms, looking at me with a smile, my reason fled. And I caught her anyhow, with one arm round her waist, and the other round her neck, turning round unawares, ‘O that suddenly I found her lying in my arms, gazing up into my eyes, with lips that trembled as they smiled. And I drew a deep sigh, and then I kissed her in a frenzy with a kiss that seemed as if it would never end.

 

    And then, I almost threw her from me, with a cry. And I turned and fled away, without looking back, and found, I know not how, the door, and knocked, and it was opened \ and I got, somehow or other, into the street. And I went home like one walking in a dream, with feet that found their way of their own accord.

 

X

 

   And I threw myself on my bed, and lay, all night long, asleep or awake, I know’ not which, but gazing with eyes that as it were shone into the dark, and a heart burning with the fire of joy, and a soul lost in the ecstasy of recollection, saying to myself without ceasing: I have found her, I have found her: and the reality is sweeter far even than the dream. And morning arrived, as it seemed, even before night had begun, for time was lost altogether in the abyss of reminiscence. And I rose up, and stood still, with my eyes fixed upon the ground, going over every detail, and striving to recall every atom of the meeting of the day before. And I said to myself: Ha! and fool that I was, I very nearly missed her, by refusing to go at all. And unless that lucky elephant had chanced to come along, I was absolutely lost. And yet, how could I possibly have guessed that Tarawali would turn out to be the lady of my dream? O joy, that she caught me just before I went away! O the star in her hair, and the sound of her voice, and O the unendurable torture of being absent for an instant from the possibility of the nectar of her kiss!

 

   And then, all at once, I started, for a thought ran of its own accord like a dagger straight into my heart. And I exclaimed: Alas 1 I had forgotten. How in the world am I ever to see her again? And she said: Good-bye! Can it be that she intended I was never to return? Alas! beyond a doubt, good-bye was good-bye, and for all her extraordinary kindness, she was offended by my overweening presumption, and sent me away, and will not send for me again. Aye! all is over: for like Durga, she is absolutely inaccessible, unless she chooses to reveal herself to her miserable devotee of her own accord. Aye indeed! my arrogance has ruined me in her estimation, and I cannot even hope ever to see her any more. Fool that I was, and mad, to run away like a deer, never so much as dreaming of providing for my return! Now indeed, I have dropped myself into a well without a rope, and she is as utterly beyond my reach, as if indeed she were a star.

 

    And my knees shook, and I sank down, with my head buried in my hands, ready to cry, for sheer anguish, at the thought of my inability to get at her, and the horror Durga, the inaccessible one, is one of Pat wall’s innumerable names. It has reference to a mountain steep, with accessory meanings, moral and theological.

 

    on purpose to keep me in suspense, and torture my impatience. And then at last, she said: Sunset! What! didst thou fear I was going to say Farewell?

 

        And as she laughed again, I caught her by the hand, in exultation, and her laughter suddenly changed into a shriek. And she said, with more laughter: Nay, thou hast come within a little of breaking my hand in pieces, gripping it like one that catches at a twig, to save himself from drowning. What! wouldst thou requite a benefit, by injuring thy benefactor? Or hast thou again mistaken one hand for another? And again, she began to laugh, looking at me slily, with her provoking pretty eyes: and she said: No matter, I forgive thee, for as I said, I understand. But O Shatrunjaya the lute-player, what is it that has made thee change thy mind, since yesterday? Or am I to go back and tell the Queen, once more, that her music-master will not come?

 

    And she turned, laughing still, to go away. But I sprang forward, and caught her in my arms again, and said: Nay, dear Chaturika, do not go. Stay just a little longer, for art thou not her shadow?

 

     And yet once more she began to laugh, pushing me away, as she exclaimed: It is utterly impossible, O Shatrunjaya, for I have many things to do, and very little time. And I am not sure that I care to be embraced, merely because I am the shadow of another. Thou must contrive how thou canst, without me, to restrain thy insatiable appetite of embracing other people, till sunset. Patience 1 thou hast not long to wait.

 

     And she went out and shut the door, and suddenly, just as it was closing, she opened it again, and put in her head. And she said; Shall I tell her of thy anxiety to embrace me, or leave it to thee? Dear Chaturika! Ah! ah! Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away! And then she shut the door and disappeared.

 

XI

 

     And as the door shut behind her, she left the whole room filled to the very brim with the red glow of triumphant love’s emotion, and the atmosphere of the ecstasy of happiness; and the laughter, of which she seemed to be the incarnation, hung, so to say, in every corner of the room. And my heart sang and my blood bubbled with the wave of the ocean of anticipation that surged and swelled within me, so that I was utterly unable to sit still, for sheer joy; and my soul began as it were to dance in such excitement, that I could hardly refrain from shouting, resembling one intoxicated by the abruptness of a sudden change from certain death to the very apex of life’s sweetness. And I said to myself: Sunset! So, then, beyond a doubt, she has either forgiven me, or is willing to forgive. And who knows? For if she has forgiven once, she may forgive again: when again, it may be, she will allow me to say good-bye. And at the thought, my heart began to burn with dull fire, hurting me so that I could hardly breathe: and yet strange! the pain was divided only by a hair from a sweetness so intense that I laughed aloud, without knowing why, like one hovering on the very verge of being mad. And so I remained, drowned in the ocean of the torture and the nectar of love-longing, every now and then waking as from a day-dream to wonder at the sun, who seemed to dawdle on his way, as if on purpose to separate my soul from my body with impatience. But at last, after all, day began slowly to come to an end, and I set out for the palace, with feet that could hardly be restrained from running as fast as they could go.

 

    And at the gate the very same pratihdri was waiting, and she led me away, exactly as before, to the door, and opened it, and I went in. And I stood, listening to its sound as it shut behind me, hardly able to believe that it was not a dream, as I found myself once more in the garden that contained the Queen. And I stopped for a while, for my heart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would break. And I said to myself, with a sigh of ineffable relief: Ah 1 now, then, I am actually here, once more. And O now, very soon, comes the agonising rapture of seeing her again. And I wonder where she is, and how I shall find her to-night. And now I must begin to hunt for a very sweet quarry. And suddenly I started almost running, paying absolutely no attention to the trees at all, with eyes that were blind for everything in the world, except one.

 

     And then, all at once, I stopped short: for I looked and saw her, a little way off, under a great nyagrodha tree, sitting crossways in a low swing that hung down from a long bough, holding one of its ropes in her left hand that was stretched as high as it could go, and leaning back against the other with her head cushioned in her bent right arm. And she had her left foot tucked beneath her, so that her left knee stood up in the swing, while her right leg was stretched out below, so that its foot just reached the ground, to allow her to swing very gently, whenever her toes touched the earth. And the lovely line of her great right hip seemed to cry for admiration, running down in a single unbroken curve from her waist into the ground, balanced as it were above by the slender beauty of her left arm rising from the mound of her left breast. And the rising moon which she was watching touched her with a faint lustre, lighting up like a lamp the great gem in her hair, and making the champak blossom that floated in the hollow of her bosom’s wave glimmer like the foam on a midnight sea. And after a while, I began to steal towards her on tiptoe, fearing to disturb her, lest the lovely picture should be spoiled, yet yearning to be with her with the whole strength of my soul. But all at once, she heard me coming, and looked round and saw me. And instantly she left her swing, and came towards me, walking quickly with undulating steps, as upright as a pillar of her own tree. And I stood still, to watch her coming, and adore it, and delay it, but she. There are constant references in Hindoo poetry to swinging, which is a national pastime in India, with a special festival in its honour. reached me in a moment, and she stopped, and said with a smile: I am very glad to see thee. I sent thee, by the mouth of Chaturika, a time, and yet I hardly dared to hope for thy coming: since doubtless thou hast a better use for thy hours than to waste them upon me.

 

    And I stared at her, in utter stupefaction: and then, all at once I began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Waste! I do not understand. What dost thou mean? Or what was thy object in bidding me to come to thee at sunset? Surely not merely to talk to me of music? And she looked at me gently, with surprise. And she said : Of course. What other object could I have ? And I looked at her in silence, saying to myself: Can it really be possible that she means exactly what she says, and that this was the only significance of the word she sent to me? And suddenly I leaned towards her, with hunger in my eyes. And I said : Then indeed, I was mistaken. It was not so, that I interpreted thy summons. Alas ! O Tardwali, the only music that I came for was the music of thy incomparable voice, and I thought it was thy own deliberate intention to send for me simply that I might listen to it again, as I gazed on its owner with adoration.

 

     And she looked at me reproachfully, and she said : Again ! Alas ! I imagined that thou wouldst ere now have recovered from thy shock of yesterday, and be able now to help me j and yet, here is thy delusion returning, as it seems, even worse than before. See now, forget altogether that I am a woman, and let us talk of music, like two friends. And I laughed in derision, and I exclaimed : Forget that thou art a woman ! Ask me rather to forget I am a man. Art thou blind, or hast thou never even looked into a mirror? Dost thou imagine me less than a man, bidding me forget that she is a woman who stands before me, as thou dost, smiling, and bewildering my soul with her maddening loveliness, and the absolute perfection of her body and her soul, showing the hungry man food, and forbidding him to eat, and the thirsty man water, and requiring him to think of it as something it is not ? Or art thou all the time only playing, having no heart in thy body, or a stone for a heart ? Didst thou summon me only to torture and torment me ? Dost thou not know, canst thou not see, the agony of my suffering, standing close enough to seize thee in my arms, and yet kept at a distance, to listen to what I cannot even understand ? I tell thee, I am, Drink with thy beauty, and mad with intolerable desire for the incomprehensible fascination of thy charm, and dost thou dream of quenching my fire by talking about friends? I want no friendship from thee. I will be more than a friend to thee, or less : aye ! I would give all the friendship in the three worlds for a single drop of nectar, mixed of thy body and thy soul.

 

    And as I spoke, she listened, putting up every now and then her hand, as if to stop me : and when I ended, she stood, looking at me in perplexity, as if utterly unable to decide what to do. And at last, I said : Why dost thou say nothing? And she said simply; I do not know what to say. And I laughed aloud, lost in admiration of the extraordinary simplicity of her incomparable reply. And I exclaimed : O thou wonderful woman, how can I find words to express what I feel for thee ? And she said, as if with despair: I counted on thy recovery. And I said : Count not on my recovery, for I never shall recover. And she said, with a smile : Then, as it seems, I shall never have my music lesson. And perhaps it would be better, if it ended here, without ever having begun. And in any case, to-night, thy visit must of necessity be a very short one, since I have other business, unexpectedly arisen, to do. And so, shall we say good-night, without any more delay ?

 

     And I said slowly : If I must go, I must : for I will obey thee, order what thou wilt. And yet, wilt thou not allow me at least to bid thee good-bye, as thou didst last night ?

 

     And she looked at me, as I leaned towards her, as if with reproach, and she stood for a moment, hesitating, and as it were, balanced in the swing of her own beautiful irresolution. And then, after a while, she sighed, and put out her hand, as if with resignation. And I drew her to me with a clutch, and caught her in my arms, showering on her lips and her eyes and her hair kisses that resembled a rain of fire : while all the time she offered absolutely no resistance, allowing me to do with her exactly as I pleased. And when at last I stopped to breathe, looking at her with eyes dim with emotion, she said, very gently, with a smile, lying just as she was, fettered in my arms; Hast thou yet bid me good-bye, to thy satisfaction ? And I said in a low voice : Nay, not at all. For thou hast not yet kissed me in return, even once. And as if out of compassion, she did as she was told : kissing me gently, over and over again, for I would not let her stop, with kisses that resembled snowflakes that burned as they fell.

 

     And at last, I let her go. And holding her two hands, I gazed at her for a while in adoration, while she looked at me as if patiently waiting to be released, with a little smile. And I said: Now then I will obey thee, and go: for thou hast given me something that will keep me alive. And yet thou art cheating me by sending me away before the time, and thou owe me the rest. Promise me, that thou wilt summon me to-morrow, or I cannot go away, even if I try. For if I go, not knowing when I shall see thee again, I will slay myself on thy palace steps.

 

     And she drew away her hands, very gently, and turned away, and stood looking down upon the ground, reflecting. And I watched her, as I waited, with anxiety: for she seemed to be meditating, not so much of me, as of something unknown to me, that stood in the way of her decision. And then at last, she turned towards me, looking at me, as it seemed, with pity. And she said, almost sadly, and yet with a smile : Poor moth, thou wilt only burn away thy wings. Thou little knows, what eyes are on thee, or the danger thou art running by overestimating me, and coming here at all. And yet, the mischief has been done, and thou art greatly to be pitied, having fallen under a spell : and thou art suffering from a fever to which nothing can bring any alleviation but myself. And it would be far better to refuse thee, since to grant thy request cannot possibly do thee any good. And yet I cannot find it in my heart to deny thee what thou cravest, since I am myself the involuntary cause of all thy delusion, and can give thee such extraordinary pleasure, with so very little trouble to myself. And so, I will give thee thy desire, and to-morrow’s sunset shall be thine.

 

     And I uttered a cry of joy. And utterly unable to control my emotion, I caught her once more in my arms, kissing her passionately with trembling lips. And suddenly I shuddered with delight, for I felt her lips kissing me again. And my senses reeled, and 1 murmured with emotion: Ah ! thou lady of my dream, art thou real, or am I still only dreaming after all? And she stood back, putting me away with her hand, and she said, gently: I am real, but thou sees me through the eyes of thy dream. For what is there, after all, in me, save what thou putts there thyself, with the aid of thy fancy, and thy passion, and the recollection of thy dream ?

 

    And I looked at her in silence for a while, and then I said : Promise me yet one thing more. And she smiled, and said : Thou art insatiable : and yet, what is it ? And I said : Send me Chaturikd in the morning, just to tell me what I know already. For I shall be dying of impatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help to keep me alive.

 

     And she laughed, and she said: Ah! thou art very crafty, for Chaturiki is far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratify thee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou must absolutely go : for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyes that were full of an unutterable caress : and she said : To-morrow, at sunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, for anything that may happen when awaking comes.

 

     And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in the extremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, and saw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands clasped behind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, I looked again, and she was gone.

 

 

XII

 

    And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fast asleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumber resembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before the dawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me, with a soul lost in meditation on Tdrawali, bathed in the nectar of reminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that it could not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along : How in the world can a queen impatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help to keep me alive.

 

     And she laughed, and she said : Ah ! thou art very crafty, for Chaturikd is far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratify thee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou must absolutely go : for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyes that were full of an unutterable caress ; and she said: To-morrow, at sunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, for anything that may happen when awaking comes.

 

     And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in the extremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, and saw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands clasped behind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, I looked again, and she was gone.

 

XII

 

    And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fast asleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumber resembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before the dawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me, with a soul lost in meditation on Tarawali, bathed in the nectar of reminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that it could not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along : How in the world can a queen like her, who laughs all other women to utter scorn, for beauty and understanding and gentleness and sweetness, and some unintelligible magic charm that is somehow spread all over her, and echoes in the tone of her delicious voice that makes every fibre of my heart tremble every time I hear it ; how can such a queen as she show such extraordinary favour to such a thing as me? For I could understand it, if it were any other man. For then I should say that beyond all doubt, she actually preferred him to all others in the world, for sheer affection. And yet, as it is, it is quite incomprehensible. For, it might seem, that she must be in love with me herself, returning my affection: and yet it cannot be. For how could such a miracle as she is, the supreme achievement of the Creator, and the concentrated essence of the charm of all her sex, think of such a one as me even in a dream, as an object of affection ? And yet, if not, how is her behaviour to be explained ? For I might perhaps believe that she was merely playing with me for her own amusement, were she any other woman than exactly the one she is : but as it is, no one could believe it that had ever seen her for an instant : and she needs no other argument in her defence than every glance at her supplies. And it may be, after all, that she took up with Narasinha merely out of pique, at being so un- ceremoniously slighted and cast off as a thing of no value by her booby of a husband, and, as it were, also out of gratitude to find herself appreciated at her true value, which §he must very well understand, notwithstanding all her own beautiful self-depreciation which is an extra charm enhancing all her other charms : and afterwards, it may be, she has changed her mind, as women do, about Narasinha, without being willing to admit it, even to herself ; and come, only the other day, suddenly on me. Aye ! beyond a doubt, this would be the true conclusion, and the answer to the riddle, but for one consideration that makes it utterly impossible, that I am only I.

 

     And so as I debated with myself, all at once I heard my own name called aloud in the air. And I looked up, and lo ! there was my old friend Haridsa,i on a camel. And he said : Ha ' Shatrunjaya, art thou thyself indeed, or another exactly like thee, or hast thou lost thy senses and thy ears ? For here have I been calling to thee, all along the street, without succeeding in waking thee from thy dream, till now. And what can it be, that can so fill thy mind as to stop up all its entrances ?

 

And I exclaimed in delight : Ah ! Haridasa, thou art come in the very nick of time, the very man, at this moment, that I need most. Get off thy camel, for a while, and come and sit beside me, and find me, if thou canst, an answer to a question that I cannot find myself.

    And so he did. And as soon as we were seated by the roadside, I said to him : Haridasa, listen. Thou knowest me well. Now tell me thy opinion : am I one that a woman might choose out of many for a lover?

 

And Haridasa began to laugh. And he looked at me

^ Pronounce as a trisyllable :

 

Haridas, shrewdly, and he said : Aha ! Shatrunjaya the lute- player, so this was thy preoccupation ? Art thou one to catch a woman’s fancy ? O Shatrunjaya, why not? For art thou not a musician, famous in the world, and a man among men, into the bargain ? All women love a giant, such as thou art. Any woman of them all might do worse than fall in love with thee. And yet thy very question shows, that in this matter of women, thou art little better than a child, as indeed thou always wert. For even the Deity himself can never tell what man any woman will prefer, or why : as how should he, seeing that she does not even know, herself? And there never yet existed any man whom some woman would not worship, let him be as ugly as you please, or even for that very reason : and yet, let a man be a very Kimadewa, woman after woman will pass him by, without even so much as casting a glance at him out of the very corner of her eye. For a woman’s affection depends on her fancy, and that is like the wind, that comes and goes and wavers how and where it will, without a reason that anybody can discover. And it is sheer waste of time to sit and wonder, whether thou art or art not a man that a woman might love. Thou art both, or neither: for the only way to settle thy question is to try. And she will, or she will not, of her own accord. And now, who is she, this beauty who has set thee so knotty a problem to solve ?

 

    And I said with indifference: There is no such beauty; for all my perplexity arose from the line of an old song : Nectar when she turns towards thee : poison when she turns away.

 

    And Haridasa turned sharp towards me, and looked at me intently for a very long while, saying absolutely nothing. And we sat talking of other things till he rose to go away. And then, at the very moment he was mounting on his camel, he turned, and came back. And he said : Listen 1 Thou art hiding from me something that maybe I could startle thee by guessing : but no matter. Keep thy secret: but listen to a piece of good advice, which may serve thee at a pinch. If ever thou wouldst have a woman prize thee, never let her see that thou settest any store by her. Treat her as a straw, and she will run after thee as if thou wert a magnet: make thyself her slave, and she will hold thee cheap, and discard thee for another. For women think meanly of their sex, and utterly despise the man who places them above himself : since in her heart every woman longs to be a man, bewailing her misfortune in being born a woman, and praying all her life for one thing only, to be born a man in another birth. And one thing above all she cannot understand, how or why any man should make a fuss about any woman, as all men do : which, just because she is not a man herself, she cannot comprehend. And like jugglers, that are not taken in by their own tricks, women look upon men as mere fools, for being taken in at all. For a woman’s charm, to a woman, is not only not a charm at all, but a trick, and a lure, understood, and utterly despised. So now, be a man, and whatever folly thou art meditating, at least beware of being guilty of the very greatest of them all, by doubting of thy own superiority of manhood to the womanhood of any woman, no matter who she be : and earning her contempt, by lying at her feet. And now, farewell ! for I have business with Narasinha.

 

    And at the name of Narasinha, I pricked up my ears. And I said, with feigned indifference : Who is Narasinha ? And Haridsa spat upon the ground. And he said : One, whom thou art lucky not to know : and yet, his name is apropos. For he is the Queen’s lover, and an instance in point: since he leads her by a string, just because he treats her as a trifle, and not, as all her other lovers do, as a gem not to be matched by any other in the sea. And yet he is not, like thee, a man among men, but a man among women. For just as a dancing- girl loves to be treated as a queen, so does a queen love to be treated as a dancing-girl.

 

     And then, all at once, he struck me on the shoulder. And he said, in a low voice : Why didst thou start, when I named Narasinha?

 

     And without waiting for any answer, he got quickly on his camel, and rode away, never looking back.

 

XIII

 

    And I stood, looking after him, with a startled heart, and then I went home slowly, saying to myself : How in the world did he guess my secret, and what did he mean ?

 

 

    Was there a warning in his words ? And what is all this about the Queen ? Did he ever see her in his life ? for if he had, he would long ago have discovered that all his rules have exceptions, of which Tarawali is one : being not only the very gem beyond comparison that he spoke of with contempt, but a woman of women who very certainly never would despise any one at all, least of all the man who thought her exactly what she is, a star, far, far above his own muddy earth : a thing made of some rare celestial matter, differing altogether from anything to be found here below, fetched by the Creator when he meant to make her from some abysmal intermundane mine, where ocean foam and lunar ooze and sandal-wood and camphor lie jumbled up together with the essence of all curves and smiles and whispers and soft kisses and sweet glances and irresolution and long hair. And the image of the Queen rose up before me, laughing as it were in scorn at Harid^sa, and utterly obliterating everything he said. And I said to myself in ecstasy : Sunset will be here, very soon. And I reached my house, and looked, and lo ! there was sitting at the door a Rajpoot, covered with the desert’s dust, and holding by the rein a horse that hung its head, trembling still, and white with foam.

 

    And as I came towards him, he stood up, and made obeisance. And he said: Maharaj, thou art come at last, and it was time. And I said: What is the matter ? Then he said : Thy mother sent me, and I have ridden night and day. The King thy father is dying, and every moment he may be dead. And now, if thou cares, either for thy father, or thy mother, or thy throne, there is only one chance for thee, to fly to them as fast as any horse can take thee, without the delay of a single moment. So my message is delivered, and the Maharaj is judge.

 

    And again he made obeisance, and went away on foot, leading his horse behind. And I stood, looking after him in a stupor, like one struck by a bolt from heaven, in the form of his appalling news. And I said to myself: Go I must, or my mother is ousted, and the Maharaj lost. And yet if I go, the sun will set in the Queen’s Garden, and I shall not be there.

 

   And I pushed my door wide open, and went in, and sat down, with my face buried in my hands. And my own words sang in my head, over and over again : Go I must, or the Maharaj is lost, and my mother ousted. And the sun will set in the Queen’s garden, and I shall not be there.

 

    And I heard a laugh beside me, and I looked up. Lo ! there was Chaturiki, standing in the open door ! And she looked at me with laughing eyes, and she said : Ha ! as it seems, I am just in time to save thy life : for thou art apparently all but dead. And, beyond a doubt, the Queen is a cunning doctor, who understands her patient’s case. For she sent me to thee, saying : Go to him, O Chaturika, since without thee he will die : and help him, how thou canst, to live until the sun has set.

 

     And I stood up, and seized my hair with both my hands. And I groaned aloud, and said : Alas ! O Chaturika, what is a man to do, when two suns set, in opposite directions ? And instantly, all the laughter died out of her face. And she looked at me with dark eyes, and she said: Two suns ! What dost thou mean? And I told her all, and she listened in silence, till I ended. And then she said, with a sigh of relief : Ah ! is that all ? And I exclaimed : All ? is it not enough for thee ? And she said : I was terrified, by thy talking of two suns. For I began to think the Queen had a rival in thy affection. And I laughed, in anger and derision, and I exclaimed : A rival ! Thou little fool ! I am sorely tempted to beat thee, for daring to think anything of the kind, even in a dream. What ! a rival ! to Tarawali ! Thou art stark mad. How could she possibly have a rival in the three worlds ? But what am I to do ? And she said : It is thy choice, not mine. Only when once a sun has set, who can tell, if it will ever rise again ? And what am I to say to the Queen ?

 

    And as she stood, looking at me, for an answer, there rose into my recollection the image of Tarawali, leaning towards me in the moonlight, and saying : To-morrow, at sunset, .1 will be thy dream. And suddenly I exclaimed : Go back to her, O Chaturika, and tell her that my only sun is the sun that sets in a Queen’s garden.

 

   And then, to my astonishment, that singular Chaturika suddenly threw herself into my arms, and kissed me without waiting to be asked. And seeing me look at her in perplexity, she burst out laughing, and she said with delight : Ah ! ah * So then, after all, there is a difference, as it seems, between Chaturikiand Tardwali. No doubt some kisses are far sweeter, but the sun must set, ere the lovely digit of the moon rises, and I must do what I can meanwhile, to help thee to keep alive. It was her own order. And moreover she will not be jealous, and will not scold me when I tell her all about it on my return. And I said : Nay, thou saucy little beauty, tell her with all my heart, and add, that her drug was efficacious, since sandal-wood and camphor turn everything that touches them into a little bit of fragrance exactly like their own. And take her hand, and kiss it, and say I send the kiss, like her message, by thy mouth, and here it is.

 

     And I caught her in my arms, and kissed her as she struggled, not willing this time to be kissed at all, exactly on her laughing lips, and then she went away.

 

XIV

 

    And I said to myself in ecstasy, as she disappeared : Out on the very notion of leaving Tarawali in the lurch, and losing the very essence of the nectar of the lady of my dream, so kind, so clever, and so wonderful as she is ! Well did she understand, how the very sight of this audacious little cheti would act like a balm on the fever of my longing for herself : carrying about with her, as she does, a reminiscence of the intoxicating fragrance of the great champ^k tlgwer, whose messenger she is, like a female bee, scattering another’s honey as she goes. Aye Chaturikd is like a letter, smelling of the sandal of the hand that wrote it, far away. And Tarawali understood it all, and sent her ; not being jealous, as Chaturika says, and indeed, as she said herself, last night. As if a star of heaven could possibly be jealous of a little Ganges pot !  Aye little did my mother dream, when she sent to fetch me, what influence she had against her. As if I would purchase any kingdom in the world at the price of sacrificing my sunset with the Queen ! And how can I help it, if the King my father chose just this unlucky astrological conjunction, to die? Or what good can be done by haste? For if he is dead already, as is very likely, all is lost, and it is useless to go at all. And if on the contrary, he lives for a little longer, I shall find him still alive, if I start to-morrow. And is it likely he will live or die exactly so, as to make my starting now either necessary or advantageous? And shall I take the risk, and throw away the very fruit of my birth, for nothing at all? And what would Tarawali think of me, if I left her in the lurch, counting her inestimable favour as a straw? Beyond all doubt, she would wipe me from her memory as a thing beneath even contempt, like a sieve, all holes,

 The Indian women used to send little earthenware dishes, with a lighted wick in their oil, floating down the Ganges, to symbolise their children’s lives. Perhaps they do it still : but all these beautiful old superstitious practices are dying away, in the light of ‘‘ representative institutions.” New lamps for old ones ! into which it is futile to pour anything at all. No, I will keep my sunset, even if I lose my kingdom. And yet, why should I, after all? For to-morrow when I actually start, I will go very fast indeed, preparing everything beforehand, and having my horse waiting for me, so as to lose no time when I leave the Queen, carrying with me as I ride the memory of to-night : whereas if I threw her over, and set off to-night, the thought of what I was leaving behind would be so heavy as utterly to prevent me from going along at all.

 

    And so I mused, waiting all the time with fierce impatience for the sun to sink, till at last day came to an end. And then I rose in delight, exclaiming : At last, at last, separation is over, and now it is time ! And I went very quickly to the palace, and found the pratihdri : and she led me away straight to the door, and opened it, and I went in.

 

XV

 

    And then, once more, I stood still, listening in ecstasy to the door as it shut behind me, and tasting, as it were, for an instant the delicious promise that the dusky garden gave me, standing like a diver on the edge of ocean, just before he plunges in, knowing well that it holds a pearl. And I stretched my arms towards the trees, saying to myself : This is not like the other times, but far, far better: for to-night she will not ask me to give her a music lesson, but she said herself, she would be my dream. And I wonder how^ she will do it, and what she is going to do. And then I went on through the trees, looking from side to side, with a soul as it were on tiptoe with curiosity and anticipation. And far away through the trees I saw the red rim of the full moon rising in a great hurry as if like myself he was dying with impatience just to see her, and saying as it were : I am the only lamp fit to light her, and I am just coming in another moment, like herself. And I passed by her swing that hung drooping, as it were, sadly from its tree, because she was not there. And little by little, my heart began to crave for the sight of her, growing restless and uneasy, and saying to itself with anxiety : What if something had actually prevented her from coming, and the garden were really as empty as it seems, and she were not here at all. And then at last I reached the terrace by the pool, exactly where I saw her first, and looked round with eager eyes, and she was not there. And then, just as I was on the verge of sinking into the black abyss of disappointment, all at once she came out of the shadow of a clump of great bamboos, in which she had been hiding, as it seemed, just to tease me into the belief she was not there, in order to intensify the unutterable delight of her abrupt appearance. And she stood still, as if to let me look at her, between two bamboo stems, just touching them with the very tips of the fingers of each hand, and saying in her soft sweet voice with a smile : Was I not right in choosing this as the only proper place for thee to meet the lady of thy dream, where we met each other first?

 

 

 

    And I stood, confounded and as it were, dazed, by a vision so marvellously lovely that it puzzled me, murmuring to myself ; Can this be Tarawali after all, and what has she done to herself, for she has changed, somehow or other, into the incarnation of some deity exactly like her, and she looks like an image of the wife of Vishnu  that has somehow or other come down from its pedestal on a temple wall? For she was clothed in some strange colour that hovered between pallid yellow and deep reedy seeming to have been borrowed from the setting sun and' the rising moon. And it was all pulled forward, so that it clung somehow or other tight to her rounded limbs, making her whole outline from head to foot look like soft marble in the moonlit dusk, and it was collected in front into one great heavy fold that hung straight down like a red pillar from the very middle of her small waist, ending just above her feet in great gold tassels, that nearly touched the huge anklets of green jade with which her two little bare feet were loaded, as if to help them to stand firm. And a soft broad band of gold ran right round her just below her lovely breast, that lay held in its gold cup like a great double billow made of the creamy lather of the sea, prevented from escaping as it swelled up by the delicious dam formed by the curve of *

    That is Shn, the Hindoo Aphrodite. Only those who have studied Hindoo goddesses on the old temple walls, where they stand with everlasting marble smiles in long silent rows, buried in the jungles that encircle their deserted fanes, will enter into the atmosphere of this strange description. her shoulders meeting the soft bulge of the upper part of her rounded arms, which came out from each side and seemed as it were to wave gently in the air like creeper sprays, free and unconfined, and not like her feet, chained down, but absolutely bare of any ornament at all. And on her hair was not a star, but a great yellow moonstone, that shone with a dull glimmer like a rival moon of her own, and over her left shoulder a long coil of dark hair came out from behind her head and hung down like a serpent, ending in a soft wisp like a yak’s tail that was tied round with yellow silk. And the only thing that she retained of what she was before was the intoxicating charm of the upright poise of her whole figure, which seemed to say to me as I saw it : I am the one thing about her which she cannot possibly hide or alter, let her do what she will.

 

    And she stood quite still, as I gazed at her in ecstasy, lost in the wonder of my own eyes, looking back at me with her head just a little on one side, and her eyebrows just a very little raised, as if with appeal, and great soft sweet caressing smiling eyes. And then, after a while, she said, looking down : See, my feet are prisoners to-night, to do thee honour, as their lord, and they cannot walk fast or far, but it does not matter, as they will not be wanted, for I have a surprise coming for thee, by and by. But as to my arms, I thought it better to leave them without the encumbrance of any ornament at all. And she waved them gently in the air, and a little smile stole over her lips, and she said : It would only have been in the way, if the fancy should come upon thee to say good-bye in thy own fashion. And now, it was very difficult for me to know exactly what to do, so as to place the lady of thy dream before thee, since thou hast never told me what she looked like in the dream. And so thou must forgive me, if I have come in anything short of thy expectation, for I have done what I could. Art thou satisfied with her, as she stands? For if not, I must call my soul to the assistance of its body.

 

    And I stood, unable to speak or move, gazing at her almost in a swoon by reason of the excess of my intoxication \ and after a while, I drew a very deep sigh. And she came towards me, very slowly, as I stood rooted to the ground; and she put up her arms, and laid one hand on each shoulder, with a touch like the fall of a flake of snow. And she said : I know what is the matter : thou art spellbound by a return of thy original delusion. But it will leave thee, and thy senses will return to thee, once thou hast said good-bye. And then, seized with frenzy, I caught her in my arms, and suddenly she prevented me from kissing her by putting her hand over my mouth. And she said with a smile : Wait ! Am I equal to Chaturika, for as it seems, thou hast been playing me false? And for all answer, I took her hand, and kissed it, and put it round my neck, and then fell to kissing her in madness, continuing for I know not how long, bereft of my senses by the perfume of her hair and the touch of her arms. And then at last, I took her face in my hands. And I said : Away with Chaturika ! Thou knovvest all, and art only jesting : and my soul quivers in my body at the sound of thy name. And she laughed, as I kissed her very gently on her two eyes, and she said ; Perhaps I know ; and yet, I will not forgive thee for Chaturika, but on one condition. And I said : Ask anything thou wilt : it matters not. Then she said : Look at me very carefully, and think ere thou speakest : and tell me, exactly what it is, in me, that chains thee so to me, which Chaturikd and others are without.

 

     And I said : Stand still, and let me look at thee, and think. And I put her away, and stood back, examining her very carefully just as she had wished, walking round and round her, and saying to myself: It is absolutely useless, for I know what to say without any need of looking, and yet I do not know if I can ever bring myself to stop, since she has given me, as if on purpose to delight me, a task more delicious than I ever had to do before. And all the time she stood absolutely still, patiently waiting till I ended, and looking at me every time I came round, with raised eyebrows and a smile.

     And at last, I could not endure it any longer, and I said : Ah ! come back into my arms, which hunger for thee, and I will answer. And instantly, she came and stood, listening attentively, and caressing my ear unawares, as she listened, with her hand. And I said : Thy question is unanswerable, and my examination nothing to the - purpose : since where was the use of looking at thy lovely body to find what is only to be found in thy soul, to which thy body owes the essence of even its own intoxication? For thy soul peeps out, from behind it, in the poise of thy head, and the straight erectness of its carriage, and the aroma of the royalty of sex that oozes, as it were, from its every gesture, mixed, in some unintelligible way, with a soft grace that seems to be all its own. But the spell thou art asking me to catch for thee looks from thy eyes, and lurks in thy lips, and murmurs in thy marvellous voice, which was silent all the while I was considering: and it is, some naive and submissive gentleness in the quality of thy soul, which turns all thy other perfections into instruments of delirium, and yet notwithstanding contradicts them all. For any other woman but thyself possessing even one of them would be proud, whereas thou dost not even seem to be aware that there is anything about thee other than the common. And as it seems to me, it is this, which is the core of thy irresistible fascination, giving to all thy particular elements of loveliness a kind of salt, that mixes with their sweetness to drive me mad.

 

     And she looked at me silently with meditative eyes ; and after a while she said slowly : I wish I were a man, only for a moment, to judge of myself and thy answer : for in one way thou art right, since I cannot understand why all men seem to lose their reason, as soon as they see me. And I said : There it is again, the very thing I spoke of, in thy words : and it is so simple, and yet so indescribably delicious, that very glad indeed I am that thou art not a man, but a woman, and that it is I that am the man. And it would be a crime in the Creator to gratify thy wish by making thee a man, who art the very essence of all womanly perfection and attraction. And for satisfaction of thy wish, look at thyself through my eyes, and thy wish is attained, since I am myself the very mirror provided thee by the Creator for that very purpose. And so learn, by my mouth, that thy spell is something in thee that resembles the peace of a forest pool. And even to-night, all the while we have been together, thou hast been, and art, so curiously quiet, like the breast of a swan, bathing in the water of passion and emotion without even getting wet, and like the snow of Kailas, never melting even in the sun of noon.

 

     And again she looked at me with curiosity : and she sighed, as if to dismiss what she could not comprehend. And she said : See ! the moon has climbed high, and is gazing on the lotuses, and I am tired of standing, and the time has come to give thee thy surprise. And she drew me away by the hand along the terrace, and down its marble steps, till we came to a great tree that hung down over the water like an umbrella, leaning from the bank of the pool, so that nothing could be seen through its wall. And she took me and turned me with my face to the water, and she said ; Stand here absolutely still, and do not look round, and I will bring thee thy surprise. And then she went quickly into the trees.

 

    And I stood waiting, exactly as I was told, listening to her steps as she went away, and wondering where she was going, and what she was meditating, and what the surprise was, when it came. And so as I stood, I said to myself : Can I really be awake, or is it all only a long dream ? For I seem to have been dreaming ever since I saw her first. And time slipped away, and still I stood, straining my ears for the sound of her steps returning, and dying to look round, but never looking, and haunted by a feeling that was almost terror, saying to myself : Why is she away so long, and what if she never returns at all ?

 

   And so as I stood, with my soul in my ears, turned as it were behind me, suddenly there came round the tree upon the water a great boat of the colour of a lotus leaf, turned up at each end like the neck of a swan. And it came straight towards me, and as it reached me, its boatman stood up, looking at me with a smile.

 

   And I started, and all at once I laughed aloud, for amazement and delight : and even so, I hardly knew her to be herself. For she had cast away all her deity, and turned herself into a cheti resembling a fragrant essence of midnight without a moon, clothed with absolute simplicity in soft dead black, with her own dark hair for her only decoration, tied in a knot around her head like a cloak. of. misty intoxication, and floating about her-shoulders in confusion. And she looked at me with questioning eyes that shone bright in the moon’s rays, and said naively, with a smile that almost broke my heart in two : Now I am within a little of being equal to Chaturika ? Is the maid a substitute for the queen that has disappeared ?

 

 

    And as I gazed at her in rapture without giving any answer, she said again : See ! now we will float for a little while among the monotubes, before we say good- bye. And this is thy surprise. And it is a delight that I keep for myself alone, and very few indeed are privileged to share it : but to-night, I am the lady of thy dream, and I will not do my favours by halves : and so thou shalt be my partner. And this is my swan’s nest, and my floating cradle, in which I do my dreaming : for I can dream dreams as well as thou. And now I am going to dream a little, and we will dream together. And come, for the lotuses are waiting for us.

 

    And I got into the boat, and pushed it out upon the water, and she came to me of her own accord, and locked her arms around my neck. And we drifted to and for, exactly as the boat chose, on the silent black mirror of the pool, never saying a single word, but kissing each other insatiably with lips that were never tired, lost in the bottomless abyss of the ecstasy of mutual union. And all the time she bathed me with the beauty of her eyes, that like the pool, drew the moonlight down into their dark depths, caressing me with soft hands that touched me like the fall of a leaf, and lips that smiled and trembled like the shadows of the lotuses in the still water’s swirl. And the moon rose higher and higher, and the night crept unobserved away, for I was utterly unconscious of the passage of any time. And then at last as I lay, worn out and overcome by the excess of my own emotion, and lulled by the gentle drifting of the boat, and wrap in the delirium of oblivion arising from the unimaginable reality of the lady of my dream, unawares I fell asleep.

 

 

XVI

 

    And when I awoke, lo ! the moon was standing on the very edge of the western sky, and dawn was glimmering in the east. And the Queen was gone ! And I leaped out of the boat, which was fastened to the bank, and ran up into the garden, which was as dark and as empty of anything living as a tomb. And after looking for her a long time in vain, at last in despair I went away to the door, and knocked, and it was opened \ and there stood, not the pratihari but Chaturika. And I said : Chaturika, what has become of the Queen ? And she said, with emphasis : Forget the Queen, and remember thy father : it is time.

 

    And I started, as if she had run a poisoned needle into my ears \ for I had utterly forgotten all about him. And no sooner had I got out of the palace than I ran all the way home through the empty streets. And I found my horse waiting, and I sprang on him, just as I was, and I went out of Kamalapura, making for the desert as if I were running a race with the god of death, to determine which of us should reach my father first. And yet as I rode, I was thinking all the time of one thing only, to return, quicker vans than I went away. and listening to my heart that sang without ceasing Tardwali, Tarawali, as if keeping time to the rattle of the hoofs of the horse. And after a while, I began to say : If I am to return, it will have to be on another horse : for whatever else dies, or does not die, this horse will die, beyond a doubt, either at the end of his race, or it may be, even before.

 

   And it happened as I said. For suddenly the horse fell, to rise no more, while yet there was far to go : leaving me alone in the desert, with the sun right over my head. And I exclaimed : Alas ! out upon fate, and out upon my own folly, for now I have killed my horse, that I loved better than my own soul 1 Alas ! my horse was like my good fortune. And if I had only started in the night, he would have had an easy journey, going slower in the cool hours. And I have offered my horse a sacrifice, and it may be, my kingdom also, to my deity Tarawali. And yet, what does it matter, after all? Is she not worth all the horses, and all the kingdoms in the world ? Aye ! I would give them all, for another sunset like last night, with the lady of my dream. But what is to be done now ? There is absolutely no help for it, and I must finish my journey how I can, going slowly on my own feet.

 

    And as I said, so I did : and so it came about, that faint and tired and overcome, by hunger and thirst and the long journey and the fierceness of the desert sun, I

 

 Daiwatam hi hayoitamahy says Somadewa ; a good horse is a divine thing*

 

 

began to reach my own city only as he was going down. And as I slowly drew near it, making all the haste I could, suddenly there fell on my ear a sound, coming to me from the city, that smote it like a blow* And I stopped short, to listen; and all the hair on my body stood erect. And I said slowly to myself : I have lost the race, after all, for they are wailing in the city, and it can be for one thing only, that it is widowed of its King. Aye ! I am too late. And I have killed my horse for nothing, since Death has arrived before me, after all, having annihilated my competition, by taking my horse upon the way. And I have reached my journey’s end, just in time to hear the wailing, as if Death were jeering at me, saying as it were in irony : They must travel very fast who think to outstrip me.

 

   And I went on to the palace, never stopping at the gate to ask what I already knew. And they ran to warn my mother, and she came out of the women’s quarters, and stood looking at me grimly, covered as I was with dust and perspiration, and almost ready to fall down, for sheer fatigue. And then she said : Fool ! thou art too late, and thy brother has the throne. And now thou art little better than an outcast, and hast lost thy father, and thy crown, and me.

 

    And I looked at her, and I said : When did the King die ? And she said : Sunset. And I uttered a shout of laughter, and threw my hands into the air, and fell at her feet in a swoon. 

 

 

XVII

 

    And when I had recovered, in a day or two, I came, so to say, to terms with my loss and my condition : saying to myself : After all, my father had to die, whether I came to him in time, or not : and I could not have saved his life, by my coming, no matter when I came. And so, the only thing I lost, by coming late, is my raj. But what do I care for any rdj^ which, in comparison with Tardwali, resembles a mere pinch of dust, thrown into the other scale ? Away with the miserable raj I as if another sunset with the Queen would not be cheaply purchased at the price of all the kingdoms in the world And I passed my days of absence in doing absolutely nothing but thinking of Tarawali, and waiting, with a soul almost unable to endure, till the moment of return. And I sent a secret messenger to Kamalapura, saying to him : Go to the palace gate, and ask the pratiadri for a cheti called Chaturika. And when she comes, tell her by word of mouth, so that nobody may hear thee but her-self: Greetings to the Queen from Shatrunjaya, who has lost his throne on her account, and does not care. And when the obsequies are over, he will return to Kamala- pura, on the night before the moon is full.

 

   And having sent him off, I waited, while the obsequies went slowly on, with a soul that almost parted from its body with impatience for an answer to my message that might help me to keep alive, saying to myself : She cannot send Chaturika, as she did before, since it is too far off for anything but a letter or a message, which will have to do instead. But neither a letter nor a message ever came : though in the meanwhile, my messenger returned with empty hands. And I tortured him with questions, but all he had to say was that Chaturika had listened, and bidden him to go away. And notwithstanding my bitter disappointment, I racked my brain to find excuses for them both, saying : I am a fool. How could I expect any reply, since after all I never put a question, and silence was the only answer to be given : and beyond all doubt, she is waiting till I come? And is it likely that she would trust a message to a man she did not know ? She is keeping her answer to be sent in the form of a summons on the eve of the full moon, which was the only answer I was asking for. And yet, in spite of all that I could think of to cool the fever that burned in my heart, I chafed and pined, sick with anxiety and disappointment, and longing in vain for the thing that never came. And I said sadly to myself : Well, only too well, she knew, that the very shadow of a sign of any kind, from her, would have set my heart dancing like a peacock at the first symptom of the coming of the rain. Or can it be, after all, that she really did send an answer, which has somehow or other lost its way ? Aye 1 no doubt, it must be so, for she is kind, and could not bear to think of the misery she knew I must be suffering every moment that I am not by her side.

 

   And so, perforce, I waited, gnawing at my own heart. until at last the funeral ceremonies were over. And instantly, I took leave of my mother, and turned my back on my relations, and set off at a gallop for Kamalapura, with my heart singing for delight, like an arrow from a bow.

 

 

XVIII

 

   And I reached it, exactly as I said, on the eve of the full moon. And I said to myself, with exultation : Ha ! to-morrow night, it will be full, and red, and round, exactly as it was a month ago, and shining as it did before, upon the boat, and Tdrawali, and me. And at the thought, I laughed aloud, for sheer joy, and came to my own door, and went in. And lo ! the very first thing that I saw, when I entered, was my lute, lying on the floor with a broken string, and looking at me, as it were, with reproach. For a ray of moonlight fell exactly on it as it lay, as though to say : See ! the moonlight falls not alone on happy lovers, but on those that are deserted ! And my heart smote me, as I looked at it, and I exclaimed : Alas ! my old love, thou art indeed discarded for another ; for I have not given thee a single thought, ever since I saw her first. Bitter indeed must be the sorrow of one that is cast, like thyself, aside! And then, I threw myself upon my bed, forgetting instantly my lute and every other thing in the delight of the anticipation of the coming day. And I slept all night, floating as it were on a dark wave of the ocean of sweet expectation, and smiling so to say in my sleep.

 

     And when morning came, I arose, and went to and fro, singing aloud for joy, and saying to myself: Now the moment of reunion approaches, and the miserable fever of separation is nearing its end, for the sun has arisen and is rushing to his home in the western mountain, and his race, and my desolation, will finish exactly together. And now, Chaturik£ is on her way, and will soon be here, looking like the dawn of my delight in a delicious feminine form. And she will look at me with her laughing eyes, and murmur, Sunset, exactly as before: and exactly as before, I shall kiss her, and send her back to the Queen. And so I waited eagerly, on the very tiptoe of expectation, with my eyes fixed upon the door. But day slowly travelled on, and yet she never came. And little by little, my delight slowly turned into perplexity, and anxiety, till at last, as hour succeeded hour, each longer than a yuga, my heart began to sink, lower and lower still, and I became actually sick with the agony of my disappointment. For the sun was indeed rushing down into the night, and yet she never came. And time after time, I went to the door, and opened it, and looked out, but no Chaturika was there, and nothing was to be seen but the people in the street.

 

    And when at last night actually fell, and found me still waiting, I could endure no longer, but I threw myself upon my bed, and lay in a stupor in the dark, abandoning all hope, and on the very verge of crying like a child. And I said to myself : Is she ill, or is she dead, or has she gone away, or what on earth can be the qnatter ? Or can it be, after all, that my messenger played me false, and never went ? For if she really got my message, long ago she would surely have sent Chaturikd to summon me, knowing that it was impossible for me to come of my own accord, and that I should be sitting waiting with my heart on fire for her summons to arrive. And so I lay, tossing all night long sleepless on my bed, and cursing the moon, which poured as if to mock me a silver flood of light upon the floor, seeming to say : Think what a night it must be in the garden ! until m an agony of reminiscence and humiliation, I turned my back to it, and lay with my face to the wall. And when at last day returned, I arose and sat, in deep dejection, worn out, and at my wits’ very end, never even daring to look towards the door, which remained obstinately shut.

    And all day long I sat still in a kind of dream, neither eating nor drinking, and hopelessly waiting still. And at last once more the sun went down, after a day that was longer than a year, leaving me lying in the dark.

 

     And I know not how I got through the night, which I shudder even to remember ; but when morning came, I was within a very little of being mad. And burning with fever, hot and cold by turns, for sheer impotence I got up and went out, and wandered up and down the streets, till at last for weariness I was obliged to return, though the thought of my deserted house was almost more horrible than death. And all at once, I looked up, and lo ! there was Chaturika herself, coming towards me in the street,

 

XIX

 

  And at the sight of her, my heart leaped into my mouth, for she resembled the very last link that joined me to the Queen, in a feminine form. But at the very moment that I saw her, she saw me also ; and she turned away, pretending not to see me, and went round the corner into another street. And instantly, I leaped after her like a deer, and caught her, almost running to escape me. And then, seeing that there was absolutely no help for it, she stopped, and stood looking at me with defiance, like an animal at bay.

 

    And presently I said : Dost thou not know me, that thou runnest so fast to get away ? And she said : I never saw thee : I was only in a hurry. And I said : Now, from bad, it is worse : thou art lying. And why, instead of running away, art thou not rather hastening to meet me? Hast thou no message for me from the Queen ? And she said : No : none. And I exclaimed : What ! none ? Did not my message come to thee ? And she said, reluctantly : It came. Then I said : Then the Queen must know that I am here. And why has she never sent ? And Chaturika said : Is it for me to give orders to the Queen ? How can I know why she does not want thy presence? If she did, she would send. I am not the mistress, but only the maid : is Chaturikd the equal of Tardwali ?

 

   And as she spoke, the tears rose into my eyes, for I remembered the words of Tirawali, as she stood up in the boat. And I took her by the hand, and looked into her eyes. And I said slowly : Thou knowest only too well, for if thou art not her equal, thou art at least her familiar. And now, then, cheat me not : since the matter is to me one of life or death. Am I thy enemy, or art thou mine ? Was it not only the other day that thou didst kiss me of thy own accord, as I have sat, these last two days, hoping against hope for thee to come and do again ? And what have I done, to bring about such change ? I liked thee better, far better, laughing : thou wert so joyous, and so pretty, and like the ecstasy in my own heart, in a woman’s form. Aye ! as I looked at thee, it made my heart echo, to hear thee laugh, since we were both of us devotees of one and the same deity, Tardwalf, thy Queen and mine. And now, something has come about, I know not how, to spoil it all.

 

   And as I spoke, all unconsciously I gripped the hand that I held of hers in mine, and it may be, that my hand whispered to her own what my voice alone strove in vain to say. For as I gazed at her in anguish, with tears in my eyes, strange ! all at once I saw her face change, and her lip quiver, and tears stealing, as if against her will, into her eyes too. And she tried to laugh, without succeeding : and all at once, she squeezed my hand that held her own, with force. And she said, in a voice that trembled as it spoke, half laughing and half weeping : Nectar when she turns towards thee : poison when she turns away. And suddenly she snatched her hand away from mine, and turned as if to go.

 

     And I took her by the shoulder as she stood with her face averted, and I said : See, Chaturika, my life is in thy hands. Come, do me this last favour, and I will never trouble thee any more. Wilt thou go straight to the Queen, and say I met thee in the street, and somehow or other, by hook or crook, contrive, that she shall send for me again, and very soon, for otherwise I cannot live much longer? Wilt thou? Wilt thou? And she hung her head, and said in a voice so low that I could hardly hear it : I will try. And I said : Go then, for I will delay thee no longer. And yet, listen ! Come to me often, as thou art passing by, for the very sight of thee is life.

 

    And without speaking, she rolled her head up in her veil, and went away very quickly. And I stood, looking after her as she went : saying to myself : There goes my last hope. And lucky for me it was that I caught her : for without her, I would by this have driven my own sword home into my heart.

 

XX

 

   And I went home feeling like a man saved from the very mouth of death, saying to myself : Now then, happen what will ! for at least I have secured the key of the door leading to Tdrawali, in the form of her maid. And now, it may be, I shall see her very soon. For beyond a doubt, there has been some blunder, or perhaps she was occupied with business of moment, that left her no leisure for affairs like mine. And all my fears may have been in vain. And at least, I can wait with hope, and not as I did before, in horrible despair, cut off from every means of communication. And I sat with a heart almost at peace, prepared to wait till the coming of Chaturikd, on the following day. But it turned out contrary to my expectation. For I had been waiting for little more than a single hour, when there came a knock at the door. And when I opened, there stood Chaturika again. And she said rapidly : The Queen will await thee in the garden to-night at sunset. And I exclaimed, with a shout of joy : Ha ! sunset ! It is as I thought. Well I knew there was some mistake, and that she could not fail. And beyond a doubt, she had forgotten the time, remembering only when reminded by thee. Victory to thee, O Chaturika ! for to thee alone I owe the sunset, and now I will give thee for it almost anything thou canst ask. And Chaturika said: Give me nothing. And she stood in silence, looking at me with strange eyes, in which, as it seemed, pity and curiosity seemed to be mingled with compunction and some element that I could not understand. And suddenly she came to me, and laid her hand upon my arm. And she whispered very quickly, as if she was half afraid of what she said: Do not go. And then, she turned and vanished from the room, as if to escape before I had time to ask for explanation.

 

    And I said to myself, looking after her in wonder : What ! do not go ? So then^ as it seems, there will be danger. But little does she know me, if she thinks that any danger would keep me from the Queen. And indeed, in the garden there is room for any number of assassins, if Narasinha or anybody else were jealous of my visiting Tardwali. Danger ! And I laughed in derision, that was mixed with intoxication, as if the very notion of danger from a rival added, somehow or other, to the sweetness of anticipation, by stamping me as a claimant to the affection of Tirawali who was greatly to be feared. And all at once, light broke in, as it were, upon my soul. And I cried out in ecstasy : Danger ! Ha ! at last, all the mystery is solved. It was danger that prevented my Tdrdwali from sending me any message or bidding me to come. And all the while she knew it, and she had to be very careful, fearing for my life. And suddenly, I struck my hands together, and I cried : Ha 1 what a fool I am ! Why, she told me so herself, when I saw her for the second time, and yet I had forgotten it. And all this while, in the peevishness of my own oblivion and presumption, I have been blaming her, expecting things utterly unreasonable, and loading her extraordinary sweetness with miserable suspicions arising from my own imagination, and the blindness of my insatiable passion. Ah ! Tardawali, forgive me if I wronged thee ! But I will make it up to thee to-night, and beg for thy divine forgiveness at thy feet. And all this hesitation was all the while only on my account : and yet, brute that I was 1 I never guessed it, till Chaturika gave me, as it were, a hint, and put me upon the scent. And what else was her delay but an irrefutable proof of her affection, showing that she chose even to allow herself to be misinterpreted rather than let me run on her account into the danger that she knew.

 

   And instantly, all the clouds of darkness and desolation rolled away in a body from my soul, leaving it bathing in the ruddy glow of sunset, and passion, and emotion, exactly as it was before. And I waited, plunged in the ecstasy of reminiscence and anticipation, till at last the sun began to sink. And then, once more I went, on feet dancing with agitation and delight, to the palace gates, and saw the pratihari standing waiting as before. And as I entered, never doubting that she had instructions of my coming, she barred the way, saying : What IS thy business ? And I said : I have come by appointment to see the Queen. Then said the pratihdri : Thou must come another time, for the Queen is not

here.

 

   And I stopped short, as if she had suddenly run a dagger into my heart. And I said in a low voice ; Not here? It cannot be. Thou art mistaken. And the pratihdri said : There is no mistake at all. She is gone. And I said : Gone? Where? When? And she said : She went within this hour, to visit her maternal uncle ; for want, as I think, of something better to do. And when she will return, I cannot say.

 

   And then, my heart stopped. And I stood for a single instant, erect, and I turned, as if to go away. And all at once, there came from the very middle of my heart, a cry, that tore me as it were to pieces, and I fell in the street like a dead man.

 

XXI

 

    And when I came back to myself, I looked, and saw an old man with a long white beard gazing at me with anxiety, sitting by my bed in which I was lying, having been brought home I know not how as I lay in a swoon. And when he saw me look at him, he began to rub his hands together, with a little laugh. And he said : Ha ! then, as it seems, after all, thy soul has returned at last : and it was time. For it had been away so long that I was beginning to doubt whether it had not said good-bye to thy body, for good and all. And now it has come back after all, by the favour of Ganapati, and the help of the Ayurweda, and one of Dhanwantari's most un- worthy devotees. And I said slowly : How long have I been dead ? Then said that old physician : It is now nearly sunset again, and thou hast lain there without moving ever since they brought thee here from the street, about the time of sunset, yesterday. And now what is it, that has struck thee down, as if by a thunderbolt ? For how can the physician cure, unless the patient tells him of his case ?

 

   And I closed my eyes for a while, as if to rest : and after a while I said : O father, there is nothing to tell, to one of thy experience and skill : for since childhood, it happens to me, every now and then, to fall down and lie in a trance: and when once I come back, all is over, and I go on as before, till next time. And now there is nothing to be done, but for me to reward thee for thy care, to which I owe my life. And though it is a thing of little or no worth, I will count it, for thy sake, as if it were a thing of price. And I gave that old man gold, and sent him away delighted, for all I wanted was to be rid of him as quickly as I could, lest I should fall into a fever and begin to rave, and betray my secret against my will.

 

And then, for many days, I lay, living very slowly, like one in a long dream, drinking water, and eating almost nothing, and going over in my mind every detail of my life since first I saw the Queen. And it seemed to me, as I mused, as if I had died long ago ; and everything appeared to me like something that had happened long ago, to some other than myself. And day very slowly followed day, and life came back to me as it were with hesitating steps, as though it knew that it was coming to one that scarcely cared to bid it welcome. And then at last there came a day when I looked about with curiosity to see what might be seen, and lo 1 there in a corner lay my lute upon the floor.

 

   So, after a while, I said : Lute, canst thou tell me, how it feels to be discarded ? And I went and took it up, and strung it, and began to play. And as fate would have it, there came over the strings as I touched them a sadness like my own, that seemed to say : Come, we are fellow-sufferers and now let us weep together, since there is absolutely nothing else to do. And suddenly, the lute fell from my hands of its own accord, and I fell with it upon the floor. And I wept, as if my very soul was about to abandon my body, for sheer despair. And as I wept, I came slowly back to the self I was before ; yet so, that the half of me was left behind, and lost for ever. And I said to myself: I have been robbed by Tardwali of all that was worth anything in my soul, and it only remains to consider, what is the next thing to be done.

 

   And that very evening, I went out of my house for the first time since I fell down. And avoiding the streets, I wandered along by bypaths, till I reached the river bank. And I hid myself in the bushes, and lay watching the sun go down across the river, and thinking of Tarawali and her pool, till unawares I went to sleep. And how long I slept I know not, but I woke suddenly in the night, roused by the voices of two that were talking close beside me, not knowing there was anyone by, to overhear. And as I listened carelessly without curiosity, all at once there fell on my ear the name of Narasinha.

 

    And instantly, I crawled, like a panther, little by little, nearer to those two talkers, until I could easily hear everything they said. And one was saying to the other : It will be very easy, and the reward is very large. Then the other said : But why does Narasinha want to have him slain at all ? And the first voice answered : What a question ! Anyone can see that thou art a stranger to this city. Dost thou not know that he is the lover of the Queen, aye I and so, that she is more than his life ? And yet, for all that, he cannot keep her to himself, since she is not only a Queen, and above all his con- trolling, but also a lady of many lovers, roaming like a bee, from flower to flower, as she will, and yet leaving each in the lurch almost as soon as it is tasted, being as unsteady as the flame of a lamp in the wind, and as deep and as crooked as a river, amusing herself as if she were a female trinamani^ by watching the irresistible effect of her own attraction on the straws that she finds and throws away, as soon as she has tested them, regard- less of what afterwards becomes of them, since they are then absolutely useless, resembling mere husks, whose kernel she has eaten. And if he could bear to do without her, Narasinha would slay her out of jealousy with his own hands : but as it is, he cannot, however much she laughs in his face. And so he repays himself by wreaking his vengeance on her lovers, in lieu of herself : and one by one, they all pay the penalty of their presumption, in having anything to do with her, with their lives : giving him hard work to do, since she finds and casts off a new lover almost every day. And of all, the only one that has escaped is Shatrunjaya, the mad player, who lost his reason altogether when he found him- self cast adrift without knowing why : and was accordingly passed over by Narasinha, as not even needing to be  A gem that attracts straws, presumably amber. It is always employed by Hindoo poets as an equivalent of our magnet. killed, since he was as good as dead already, and beyond the reach of revenge.

 

   And the second voice said: What a fool must this Shatrunjya have been, to go mad, over such an ahhisarikd as this Queen ! Then said the first with emphasis : Thou art thyself the fool, speaking at random without ever having seen her : for she is a very Shri, laughing all the other women to utter scorn ; and small wonder that he fell a victim to such a spell, being as he is very young. And moreover, she is the cleverest woman in the three worlds, and easily persuades every lover that she is doing as he wishes to oblige him, and not as is really the case making him a puppet of her own. And not one of them all ever even knows of the existence of any other lover than himself. And Shatrunjaya is all the more to be excused, because she really took a momentary fancy to him, and cloyed him for a day or two with nectar that soon turned poison, as Chaturika says.

 

   And the second voice said : Who is Chaturika? And

the first replied : She is the niece of my cousin on the

mother’s side, and she tells me all. And Tdrawali took

her for a confidential cheti on account of her cleverness

and beauty : as well she might, since the little jade is

very pretty, and clever enough to be prime minister to

any king. And between the two of them, who are more

than a match for any man that ever lived, Shatrunjaya

had no chance at all. Little did he know Tdr^waU,

thinking to keep her beauty to himself, or confine the ocean of her charms to a tank ! Poor fool ! what a trick they played him ! For Chaturika says, that Tdrdwali

gave another lover the very rendezvous she fixed for him,

bidding her pratihdri say she was gone. Well he might

go mad, for as I think, any other man might lose his

reason, to be kept standing outside the door, while his

mistress was kissing another man !

 

And he laughed out loud, as he ended : but I rose

up from the ground, drawing my kattdri from its sheath.

And I leaped out of the bushes suddenly upon those two

laughers, who took me for a ghost in the form of the god

of death. And I struck at one with the knife, and as luck

would have it, I all but severed his head from his body

at a single sweep. And I turned upon the other as he

stood terror-stricken, staring at me with open mouth,

and I said : Thy jest was very good, but mine is better

still. I am Shatrunjaya, and not mad after all : but thou

shalt not tell my secret to Narasinha; whom I will send

after thee in good time. And I struck the knife into his

eye, so hard, that I could scarcely pull it out again by

putting my foot upon his head.

 

And I left them lying, and 'went home quickly,

laughing to myself, and saying : Now they are paid

beforehand, with their work still to do, in coin very

different from that of Narasinha. And his own turn will

come, by and by. And I wonder whose life I have

saved, for I never caught his name. But no matter : I

have learned, what is left for me to do : and it only

remains to determine on the way. Alas ! Narasinha, thy star is beginning to decline. Thou hast just lost thy assassins, and presently I will deprive thee of Tarawali, and last, I will rob thee of thy life.

 

XXII

 

And then, day by day, I rose early in the morning,

and ate the breakfast of a bull-elephant, and went out

into the streets, hunting, not for a forest beast, but for a

human quarry. And I roamed up and down through

the city all day long, examining everything I met that

had the shape of a woman with the eye of a hunting

leopard. And so I continued, day after day, without

success. And then at last, on the night of the Dipawali,

when the streets were full of people, suddenly I saw her

coming straight towards me. But she never saw me, by

reason of the crowd : and the prey is not thinking of the

hunter, when the hunter is thinking of the prey. And I

hid myself in a doorway, and let her pass by ; and I

followed her with stealthy steps until at last she turned

away into a narrow lane that resembled the jaws of

death. And I caught her up with silent tread, and all

at once I took her by the wrist as she went, with a grip

like an iron band.

 

And she turned and saw me, and she started, and

uttered a faint cry. And instantly I said : Cry out, even

once, and I will sever thy head from its body. Make

absolutely no noise, and I will do thee absolutely no

harm. But come with me, for I need thee for a little while. I have been at pains to find thee, and now I will not let thee go. But unless thou dost exactly as I tell thee, I will treat thee as I did thy accomplice on the river bank, a little while ago. And she turned a little paler as she listened, understanding that I did not speak in jest. And I said : Go on before me, in silence, to my house, for well thou art acquainted with the way. And I will follow, just behind, and if thou makest, as thou goest, so much as a sign, thy head will roll from its shoulders on he instant. And she bowed her head, and went. And when we reached the door, I opened it and we went in. And I shut the door, and there was no other light than the moonlight, which fell in a flood upon the floor. And I said : Sit there in the moonlight, for I have something to say to thee. And she sat upon the floor, watching me with fascination like a bird before a snake.

 

And I walked to and fro before her, and suddenly I

stopped, and L said : Tell me, O Chaturik^, what would

the Queen say, if I told her of thy habit of babbling to

thy relations of her secrets? And for answer, Chaturika

began to sob, grovelling upon the floor at my feet.

And I said : Sit still, thou little fool, and listen : for thou

shalt earn my forgiveness by doing as I bid thee : and if

not, I will save the Queen trouble by becoming thy

executioner myself. To-morrow night, I must see her in

the garden as before : and it can only be by thy con-

trivance. And now, how is it to be done ?

 

And Chaturiki said, weeping: To-morrow night it cannot be, since she has given that evening to another.

And moreover, for thee every night is equally impossible,

for she will not see thee any more. And how canst

thou pass the pratihdri^ or enter by the door, without

her permission? And now between the Queen and

thee, I am in the jaws of death. For thou wilt slay me,

if I do not find thee entrance into the garden : and she

will, if I do.

 

And I looked at her with scrutiny and I said : I will

help thee out of jeopardy. There must be another

entrance to the garden. Is there no other door? And

she said unwillingly : There is, but none can enter from

without, unless he has the key, which the Queen trusts

to no custody but her own.

 

And I said : Then the way is found, luckily for thee :

and thou art saved, since none will ever guess thy part

in the arranging for my entry, if as I imagine thou art

only sufficiently adroit to procure for me a key without

her knowledge. And that I leave to thee, only be

careful to bring it in good time, before to-morrow

evening. And in the meanwhile, go and tell that other

lover that the Queen has changed her mind : and put

him off to any other day, it does not matter which, seeing

that it will never come at all : since for the future, I am

going to be the only lover of the Queen.

 

And then, Chaturika looked at me in such amazement

that It deprived her for an instant of her terror, and

suddenly she began to laugh. And I stooped and lifted

her, and whirled her in the air, and stood her breathless on her feet. And I took her two hands and held them tight, and I said : Dost thou feel what thou art in hands like mine, a feather, and a nothing, and a straw? Now listen and be wise. Stand out of the way, between the Queen and me, for we shall crush thee, and the battle is

one that I mean to win. And now I am going to show

her something that she never saw before, the strength of

a man : for a woman presumes, forgetting altogether

that she owes all to the forbearance of one who can

sweep her away if he chooses, like a wild elephant

snapping a twig. And if anything goes amiss by any

treachery of thine, I will break thee in pieces with my

bare hands, hide where thou wilt, making it unnecessary

even to betray thee to the Queen. And now, what have

I ordered thee to do ?

 

And Chaturikd said humbly, quivering like a wild

heifer that is suddenly tamed by the sound of a tiger^s

roar : To put off a lover and bring thee a key.

 

And I said : Thou hast still forgotten the thing

without which both are useless, and that is, to show me

the outside of the door to be opened by the key. And

that thou shalt do at once. Go out now, and walk

without stopping straight to the door : and I will follow

in thy steps. And do not look back, until thou art

standing just beside it, and then turn for a single

instant, and meet my eye without a sign. And then

begone where thou wilt until to-morrow.

 

And I opened the door and let her out, and she went

away very quickly, leading me through the city and past the palace gates, and a long way round the palace wall, until at last she suddenly came to a dead stop, beside a little door in the wall, that stood exactly opposite a ruined temple of the great god. And there she turned and looked at me, and then continued on her way until she disappeared. And I stood and watched her go, saying to myself : I think she will bring me the key to-morrow, without dreaming of betraying me : for I

scared her almost to death, and she is frightened. And

I was very sorry for her, and yet it was the only thing to

do, for there was no other means of reducing her to

absolute submission. And yet she was beautiful to look

at, even so, resembling as she did a feminine incarna-

tion of audacity suddenly changed into unconditional

obedience by standing between two appalling dangers,

and only doubting which was the most to be feared.

And very strange is the difference fixed by the Creator

between a woman and a man : since the very timidity

that makes him utterly contemptible only makes her

even more beautifully delicious than she was before.

 

XXIII

 

And next day, I waited all the morning for Chaturikd

to come, and noon arrived without her coming. And I

said to myself as I sat waiting : She will come by and

by, and I cannot expect her very early, for she may

have many other things to do as well as mine. And it

may be no easy task that I have given her to do. And

 

 

now, what am I to say to Tarawa]!, when I come upon

her in the garden, and see her, O ecstasy ! again ? And

strange ! at the very thought of seeing her again, my

heart began to burn, as if turning traitor to my own

determination. And I said sadly to myself : Alas ! I

am afraid, or rather I am sure, that the very sight of her

will be like a flood, in which every fragment of my

resentment against her for treating me as she has done,

and every atom of my resolution, and every recollection

of all that I have heard to her discredit, will be swept

away like chips and straws. Do what she may, I cannot

drive my affection for her out of my heart, which

obstinately clings to her image, utterly refusing to be

torn away. And notwithstanding all that those two

rascals said in her disparagement, my soul laughs them

to utter scorn, telling them they lie. And who knows ?

For who could believe that a body so unutterably lovely

could harbour a soul so unutterably base as they said,

on evidence such as theirs? Aye! my recollection of

her soul is an argument in her favour that nothing that

they said can overcome, and I could forgive her

absolutely anything, when I think of the gentle sweetness

that echoed in her every word, resembling a perfume

somehow mixed with her voice. And yet if my resolu-

tion wavers, even now, how will it be when she actually

stands before me as she will to-night ? And yet, how is

it possible to absolve her for her inexplicable behaviour

to me ?

 

And so as 1 mused, touching all unconsciously the

 

strings of my lute which was lying in my hand^,^^ill^

a thought came into my mind of its own accord.^ftinS^I

took the lute and unstrung it, and chose from among its

strings one, which I rolled like a bangle on my wrist.

And I said to the lute aloud : Old love, we will work

together : for if indeed she is my enemy, she is thine as

well. And if, as those assassins said, she is only a body

without a soul, playing on us both merely for her own

amusement, then we will give her together a music lesson

of a novel kind, and teach her that the deadliest of ail

poisons is a love that has been betrayed.

 

And suddenly I heard loud laughter, like an echo

to my words. And I looked up, and lo ! there was

Harid^sa, standing in the open door. And he said :

What is this, 0 Shatrunjaya ? Whom art thou about to

poison, or who is going to poison thee ? And hast thou

solved thy problem, since I saw thee from the camel’s

back, pondering on thy own beauty? Or hast thou

arrived already at the poison in the bottom of love’s cup ?

How is good advice thrown away upon a fool 1 Did I

not warn thee ? Wilt thou never understand that the

nectar of a woman is like the red of dusk, lasting for

but an instant, and like the cream of milk, turning sour

^ if it is kept, and like foam of the sea, which exists only

during agitation, melting away into bitterness and ordinary

water as soon as it is still? As indeed every woman

well knows, without needing to be told, and therefore it

is that she is nectar always to a stranger, and insipid,

even when she is not very disagreeable, to her friends.

 

 

losing her fascination, like the thirst of the antelope ^ on

Marusthali, for all that approach her too near : since all

her delusion depends upon her distance, and vanishes

altogether by proximity. Keep her always at a distance,

O Shatrunjaya, if thou art anxious to remain under the

spell.

 

And I said : Haridasa, I am only a fool, as thou sayest,

but thou art wise. And now, wilt thou serve me at a

pinch, by something more than good advice ? And he

said: By what? Then I said: To-night, I have business

that I cannot avoid, and yet I cannot go out, unless I

can find one whom I can absolutely trust to remain here

till morning in my place, to guard a deposit. And so,

wilt thou be my guard ? And Haridasa said : I cannot

refuse, if thy need be extreme. For men to be absolutely

trusted are very rare, and I am one. And is thy deposit

large ? And I laughed, and I said : Nay, on the contrary,

It is very small. And it will be here in another moment,

for I have been waiting for it all day long. And as I

spoke, lo ! Chaturika appeared in the door, as if by a

toss of the curtain.^ And I said to Hariddsa : Here

it is.

 

And seeing that I was not alone, Chaturika turned, as

if to go away. And I called out to her, saying : Wait

but for a single instant, O thou destitute of patience,

and give me back my key that I gave thee last night,

 

^ i.e, the mirage.

 

^ That is, as if she were a character in a play, coming at her cue.

The phrase is common m the Hindoo plays.

 

 

since I am in sore need of it. And then she came to

me in silence and gave me a key. And I said : Hast

thou put off the petitioner as I desired, to another day ?

And she said : Yes. And then I went to the door, and

shut it. And I said to Haridasa : I have an appoint-

ment, with one who may be friend or foe, for I cannot

tell. But here is a hostage, that I leave behind me.

Keep her for me, and never take thy eyes off her, and

give her back to me, safe and sound, on my return. But

if the sun rises to-morrow, and I am not here, cut her

head off, for she will have led me into a trap, all unaware

that she was setting it for herself as well.

 

And Hariddsa looked thoughtfully at Chaturik£ as she

stood aghast, rubbing his chin with his hand. And he

said slowly : It would be a great pity, my pretty maiden,

if he came late, for thy head looks very well as it is on

thy little body, which without it would look as melancholy

as a palm broken short off by the wind.^ And yet, do

not weep. For Shatrunjaya is a bad judge of men and

women, and I am a very good one. And if, as I think,

he is altogether wronging thee by his suspicion, thou

hast absolutely nothing to fear from me, and I will be

thy father and thy mother till he returns to free thee in

the morning. So dry thy tears, and I will return to thee

in a moment to make thee laugh.

 

^ This is due to the coal-black stem, which gives to a palm tree

shorn of its head the look of a tumble-down smoke-grimed chimney.

Unshorn, leaning to the wind, it is the most graceful thing in the

world, especially seen against the setting sun.

 

 

 

 

And he led me away out at the door, and shut it

behind him. And he said : Shall I tell thee the name

of thy very pretty deposit ? Dost thou think I do not

know what thou art endeavouring so clumsily to hide ?

Nectar when she turns towards thee : poison when she

turns away ?

 

And as I started, staring at him in stupefaction, he said

with a laugh : Ha ! thou hast heard it before ? Didst

thou not betray to me thy secret unawares, repeating it

before ? What ! dost thou not know, it is the Queen’s

verse, which all the people in the city sing of every man

who dooms himself by becoming the Queen’s lover ? I

could have told thee, even without seeing Chaturika at

all, that It was Tariwali herself who was thy nectar, and

is going to be thy poison ; and well I understand who is

the friend or foe to whom thou art just about to go. It

is the Queen.

 

And he took me by both hands, and looked straight

into my eyes. And he said : Fool ! and art thou actually

hoping still for the nectar that is gone ? Thy hope will

be in vain. I told thee, without naming her, to hold

her very cheap, if ever thou wouldst have her hold thee

dear. It was useless to restrain thee, for thou wouldst

not have believed me, no matter what I said. There

was but a single chance. For the moment that she sees

that her fascination works, and that her lover lies gazing

without reason or senses at her terrible beauty, she is

satisfied, and throws him away: whereas had he only

the strength to resist it, she might against her will fall

 

 

in love with him herself for sheer exasperation at her

impotence, in his case alone. But she swept thee clean

away like a straw in a flood, and thou art lost. Thou

hast been playing unaware with a queen-cobra, that has

smitten thy soul with the poisonous fascination of its

magnificent hood and its deadly eyes, and bitten thy

heart with its venomed fang; and now all remedies are

worse than useless, and come too late. I can see death

written on thy brow, and almost smell its odour in the

air. Beware of Narasinha !

 

And he went in, and shut the door upon himself and

Chaturika, leaving me alone in the street.

 

XXIV

 

And I stood in the street, staring at the door as

it shut behind him, as motionless as a tree. And I

murmured to myself : Nectar when she turns towards

thee : poison when she turns away ! So then, it is the

Queen’s veise, sung of others and sung of me 1 And

this was the meaning all the time ! And this is what

Chaturika was thinking of, every time she said it, laugh-

ing at me in her sleeve, as beyond a doubt she has laughed

at many another man before ! And this is what the

people say ! And all the time I thought myself excep-

tional, I was only being made a fool, and one of a large

number, and a laughing-stock for the whole city, and

branded, as it were, with ridicule and ignominy as a

plaything of the Queen, and going about unconsciously

 

 

 

 

 

with her label round my neck : Nectar when she turns

towards thee : poison when she turns away !

 

And suddenly, rage rushed into my heart in such a

flood that it felt as if it were about to burst. And from

motionless that I was, I began all at once to run in the

direction of the palace, as though about to wreak my

vengeance on the Queen without waiting for a single

instant. And then I stopped abruptly and began to

laugh. And I exclaimed : Am I actually going mad, for

as yet it is still day, and I cannot even get into the

garden till the sun has set And after thinking for a

moment, I went away to the river bank to wait till the

sun was down. And there I threw myself down at full

length upon the ground, with my chin upon my hands.

 

And then, strange 1 as I lay, little by little my heart

began to cool, and all its fury ebbed gradually away.

For as I thought of Tarawali, it seemed as it were to say

to me : I cannot find room, on second thoughts, for any

rage at all, since I belong absolutely to the Queen. And

ail my rage turned slowly into such unutterable longing

that her image seemed to grow dim, seen through the

mist of eyes that were suffused with tears, as recollection

brought her back to me saying: This is how she looked

when she saw thee first, and this again, is how she lay

in the swing, and this again, when she stood up before

thee, as a chett^ in the moonlit boat. And I exclaimed

in desperation : Alas ! O Tarawalf, must I then condemn

thee, whether I will or no? For they all say the same

of thee, and as it might seem, it must be true, and yet

 

 

 

III

 

 

no matter, for I absolutely cannot either hate thee or

believe them, when I think of thee as I saw thee myself.

And my heart laughs in scorn at all the efforts of my

reason, never wavering for an instant from thy side, like

an incorruptible ally, that cannot be induced by any

bribe whatever to abandon its allegiance. Aye ! would

she but open her arms to me again, I should forget

everything else in the three worlds, to snatch her in my

own. How is it possible to hate her? And beyond all

doubt, that rascal I slew hit the mark, when he said

that Narasinha cannot quarrel with her, being utterly

unable to do without her, disarmed in all his attempts to

oppose her by his own conviction that she is absolutely

indispensable to his own life. For she may have

deserved ten thousand deaths, and yet what does it

matter, if for all that she is a thing that once lost or

destroyed can never be replaced, as indeed she is,

resembling the Kaustuhha} or the third eye of the

Moony-crested god, of which in the three worlds there

is only one. And so since he cannot do without her,

she is beyond all reach, and invulnerable, doing with

impunity exactly what she pleases, caring nothing whether

he loves or hates her, and laughing at the very notion of

being brought to book, secure in the magic circle of her

own irresistible attraction, w^hose very power of destroy-

ing all others is her own protection, like a spell with a

double edge, such that, as that rascal said, she cannot

refrain from amusing herself by trying its effect on all.

 

^ The great jewel on Wishnu’s breast,

 

 

 

 

And who could find it in his heart to blame her for

delighting in the exercise of her own spell, like a child

rejoicing in its toy, aye! even were he himself its victim,

as its effect would be the same, no matter what she did,

seeing that she must attract whether she will or no ?

Being what she is, she cannot help it : it is involuntary

and beyond her control. And alas ! I fell before it

without a shadow of resistance, enslaved even before I

saw it by her own dream, not even affording her the

pleasure of watching her fascination gradually overcoming

opposition, and asserting its power, and subduing me to

her domination, against my will. And so I became a

thing of no value to her at all, since in my case there

was nothing to overcome. Ah I had I only been

capable of seeming to be one on whom her charm would

not work, then indeed, as Haridasa says, I might have

prevailed : and she might herself have fallen victim to

the man who defied her fascination and laughed in her

face, out of pique and irritation at her own impotence.

And all the more, if what that rascal said have any truth,

that she actually took a momentary fancy to me, strange

as it seems. But alas 1 as he said, it is all too late.

 

And suddenly I started to my feet with a beating

heart. And I exclaimed : Too late ! But what if it were

not too late, after all ?

 

And as I stood, thinking of it, struck into sudden

agitation by my own idea, hope glimmered in the dark-

ness of my soul like the first faint streak of rosy dawn at

the end of a black night. And the dream of the bare

 

possibility of bringing back Tarawali with all her old

'intoxicating sweetness almost took away my breath.

And after a while, I said to myself : Yes, indeed, he

actually said, that she took a fancy to me, even though

it were only for a moment. And how could he have

known it, if she had not herself confessed it to Chaturika,

from whom alone he could have heard it, since very

certainly he never learned it from Tdrd,wali herself?

Aye ! and was not Chaturika herself far sweeter at the

beginning, just as if she knew I was no ordinary lover,

but one with a little foothold in the Queen’s heart?

And if, then, I was ever there, why could I not return ?

And if her fancy has gone to sleep, could I not awake it ?

Can it be already so absolutely dead as never to revive,

with not a single spark among the ashes to be refanned

into a flame ? How would it be, could I but manage to

persuade her she was utterly mistaken, in supposing that

I was only a miserable victim of her spell ? How, if I

could convince her that I valued all her fascinations at

a straw? Would she not at least be tempted to try

them all on me again, if only to test them and discover

whether I was lying or in very truth proof against all the

power of her charm ? And if only she did, what then ?

For once she began, it would all depend on me, whether

she ever stopped any more.

 

And all at once, I uttered a shout of hope and exultation

and excitement, suddenly taking fire at the picture painted

by my own craving imagination. And I exclaimed :

Ha ! who knows ? And at least, I can try. And even

8

 

 

if I fail, it cannot possibly be worse than it is already,

drowned as I am in misery without her: whereas, if I

could succeed ! Ah 1 I would barter even emancipation

for a single kiss ! And O that my courage may not faib

turning coward at the very first sight of her again ! For

the struggle to appear indifferent, in such an ocean of

rapture, will be terrible indeed, since even now, the very

thought of it makes me tremble, being enough to make

me fall weeping at her feet. And now the sun is setting,

and it is time to go : and in a very little while, fate will

decide, whether she and I are to die or live. For I can-

not live without her, and unless she will allow me to live

with her, she shall not live at all, either alone, or with

anybody else. For she will kill me, by driving me away,

and I will take her with me, if I am to die.

 

XXV

 

And then I went away with rapid steps, all through

the city, till I reached the little ruined temple, that stood

exactly opposite the door that Chaturika had shown me

the night before. And I hid myself behind the image

of the Moony-crested god, and watching my opportunity

that none should see me, all at once I crossed the street

and tried the key in the door, almost shaking with

anxiety, lest after all she had played me false, by giving

me at haphazard some key that would not fit. But O

joy ! the key turned, and the door opened, and I went

through. And very carefully I closed it again, and then,

 

first of all, I hid the key in a hole in the wall, making

sure of my return. And then I drew a deep sigh,

almost unable to believe myself once more in that garden

which held Tdrawali hidden somewhere in its dark

recesses. And I said to myself, with emotion : Ah !

now, come what may, at least I shall look upon her

again, and very soon. And even for that alone, I am

ready to die. And it may very well be that death is

close at hand. For if Chaturikd is in the pay of

Narasinha, as she very well may be, and has betrayed

me, I may be walking straight into a trap. For his

assassins may be posted in the trees in almost any

number. And little should I care to die, so long as

they only slew me on my return ; but I am terribly afraid

of being slain before I see her. For then indeed I

should suffer the agony of a double death.

 

And I went on slowly in the shadow of the trees,

guessing my direction, for I was going by a way I did

not know, fearing not at all the death that might suddenly

spring out upon me, but dreading far more than death

the possibility of its anticipating my discovery of the

Queen. And little by little, as nothing happened, I

forgot my fears, saying to myself : To-morrow I will give

Chaturika anything in the world, and beg her pardon

for suspecting her of breaking faith. But in the mean-

time, I must above all manage to come upon Tdrdwali

unawares, and escape her observation until I catch sight

of her myself: for if she saw me first, she might hide, or

even go away altogether, leaving me to look for her in vam, and making all assassination superfluous, since if I

do not find her I shall simply die of my own accord, long

before morning, of disappointment and despair. And so

I went on very slowly, making absolutely no noise, like

a Shabara stalking a wild elephant in the forest, dying of

expectation, and yet not daring to make haste, for fear

of losing all : until at last, after a very long time, I came

to the terrace by the pool once more. And then I

looked, and suddenly I caught sight of her, standing

alone, like a pillar, on the very verge of the terrace steps.

 

And I stopped short in the shadow of a tree, to watch

her for a little and master my emotion, holding my

breath, and lost, not only in the ecstasy of being close

to her again, but in sheer admiration of the wonder that

I saw. For she was dressed as it seemed all in silver

gauze, looking ashy pale in the moonlight, and she was

standing absolutely straight up, with her two hands

clasped behind her head, turning half towards me, so

that I could just see her dark hair between her two bent

arms, lit up not by a star, but a diadem like a young

moon, that shone all yellow as if made by a row of topaz

suns, so that she looked like a feminine incarnation of

the Moony-crested god, smeared with silver sheen instead

of ashes. And as she stood still with her two feet close

together, gazing at the pool, with her head leaning a

little back against the pillow of her hands, alone in the

very middle of the terrace on the very edge of its top

step, with nothing but the dusk for her background,

resembling a great jar, her solitary silent figure, rising from its narrow base into lustrous moonlit curves

that ended in the tall bosses of her breast, spread wide

by her opened arms, stood out in a vision of exact and

perfect balance, so marvellously lovely, that as I gazed at

it, remembering how I held it in my arms, unable to

contain my agitation, I uttered a deep sigh.

 

And instantly, she spoiled the picture, by changing

her position, and looking straight towards me. And not

being able to see me clearly by reason of the deep

shadow that obscured me, she came back along the

terrace in my direction, walking exactly as she did before,

with the same intoxicating straightness of carriage,

and the same rapid and undulating step, till I could

have laughed aloud for very joy to see her coming to

me, like the desire of my own heart incarnate in her

round and graceful form. And as she reached me, she

said, with exactly the same low and sweet and gentle

voice that I was yearning with all my soul to hear again :

Thou art late, for I have been waiting for thee a long

time.

 

And suddenly I came as it were to myself, on the

very verge of ruining all, by falling at her feet : ^ saying

to myself with an effort : Now then, all is lost beyond

redemption, unless I play the man. And I came out of

the shadow, saying with obeisance : O lovely Queen, that

is thy own fault, and not mine.

 

^ Literally, with a sdshtanganaviaskara : i.e. with an obeisance

made hy falling prostrate with the eight corners of the body^ a form

of profound reverence made as to a divinity.

 

 

And she started back, with a faint cry, exclaiming in

the extremity of sheer amazement : Shatrunjaya ! How

in the world hast thou got in here ?

 

And I answered with a smile, though my heart beat

like a drum within me : Ah ! thou delicious Queen, in

this lower world many things come about contrary to

expectation, of which this is one. And if thy own

surprise is extreme, so is mine : since, as it seems, my

coming is not only unexpected, but unwelcome. And

yet how short a time it is, since thou didst entertain me

with a sweetness so extraordinary, and so spontaneous,

and so mutually tasted, that I thought only to give thee

pleasure by repeating the experience, and that is why I

came. And if thou art sorry to look at me again, I do

not share in thy feeling, since all the pains I have taken

to arrive are repaid by even a single glance at thyself.

For surely even Indra’s heaven cannot hold anything so

unimaginably lovely as thou art to-night.

 

And still she stood, gazing at me with strange eyes,

and she murmured to herself, half aloud : Shatrunjaya !

It cannot be ! And I said : Nay, thou very lovely lady,

but it can : since here I am, and I am I. And why

not? Didst thou think I had forgot, what could not

easily be forgotten, how we floated together in thy cradle

among the lotuses ? Or is it any wonder if I have

thought of nothing else, ever since, but how to return ?

But as to bow I came, it is a secret, that I do not choose

to tell, since the fancy may take me to come again.

And judging by thy excessive condescension when met before, I did not think very much to displease thee, if I ventured to substitute myself this evening for another, who cannot even hope to rival me in the only thing that matters, my unutterable adoration of thyself : since of thy favour we are both of us equally unworthy. And yet, if, as it seems, I was utterly mistaken and the

substitution is not to thy taste, I can very easily atone

for my blunder by going away again at once. Dost

thou really imagine me one to force himself upon a lady

who wishes him away ? O thou very lovely Queen, not

at all. For I am just as good a man among men, as

thou art a woman among women : and if I am not to thy

taste, then, 0 thou fastidious beauty, neither art thou to

mine. For the essence of every lovely woman’s charm

is her caress, which springs from her affection, and the

desire to make herself nectar to her lover, without which

salt, even beauty is beautiful in vain. And I care

absolutely nothing for a beauty that does not take the

trouble to be sweet. And well I know, by experience,

how sweet thou canst be, aye ! sweeter by far than any

honey whatsoever, if it pleases thee to try. So choose

for thyself, whether I shall stay, and revel like a great

black bee in thy sweetness, as once I did before ; or go

away. But let me tell thee, pending thy decision, that if

thou dost not take thy opportunity when it offers, it will

never more return \ for as I said, I do not like coming

where my coming is met with distaste. But as I think,

if thou wilt allow me to advise thee, and help thee to

decision, we may as well make the most of one another,

 

 

now that we are here, otherwise the moonlight will be

wasted altogether, since to-night at least, thy other

lover will not come. For I have taken care to exclude

him, and we shall not be disturbed by any disagreeable

interruption. And so, either thou wilt have to do with-

out a lover altogether, or take me, for sheer want of

something else. And the first would be a pity, and all

the delicious trouble thou hast taken to deck thy beauty

for its proper object, the delight of a lover, would be

lost. For in thy silver ashes and thy moony tire, thou

needest no third eye to destroy thy enemies, since thy

divinity is so overpowering that not to employ it as it

was designed to be employed would be a crime.

 

XXVI

 

And all the while I spoke, she stood, as curiously still

as if she were made of marble, looking at me quietly,

with her head thrown just a little back, and her left

hand pressed very tight against her breast, and eyes that

I could not understand. For they rested on me

absolutely without anger, seeming as it were not to see

me at all, but filled with some strange perplexity, as if

she were hunting for something in her recollection that

she could not find. And when I ended, she continued

to stand, exactly in the same position, for so long, that

I began to wonder what could possibly be passing in her

soul. And I said to myself, as I waited in terrible

suspense : Now very likely, in another moment, she will summon her attendants, and have me ejected, as well

she might, for my almost inconceivable impertinence,

which almost broke my own heart in two, to utter it at

all. And if so it seems, even to myself, what must it

seem to her ? Aye indeed ! for every word, I deserve ten

thousand deaths, and I could forgive her, no matter what

she did. Aye * and if, in a very little while, she does

not speak, I shall be throwing myself at her feet and

begging to be forgiven, unable any longer to endure.

 

And then at last, all at once, her tension relaxed, and

she sank back suddenly into her old soft sweetness, with

a deep sigh. And her eyes seemed, as it were, to come

back to me, and find me for the first time, and there

stole over her lips a little smile. And as I saw it, my

heart almost broke with delight, for I said to myself:

She has changed her mind about me, after all, and now

my plan is beginning to succeed. Alas ! little did I

fathom the unfathomable intelligence of that extra-

ordinary Queen ' And presently she said, with exactly

the same gentleness in her low voice that made my

heart tremble exactly as before, every time it spoke :

Thou art, beyond all doubt, the very first man in all the

world, not only for effrontery and impertinence, but also,

for this, that thou hast succeeded in imposing upon me,

which no man ever yet did before. For in my simplicity

I had thought thee quite another, making in thy solitary

instance a mistake, unusual with me, and making me

ashamed : since as a rule, men’s hearts are no secret for

ray own, and I read them at a glance.

 

And she looked at me with a smile, and inscrutable

clear eyes, whose expression was a puzzle to my soul.

And I said : Then, since thou readest hearts so easily,

why couldst thou not read mine also, as it is very plain

thou didst not ? And she said : Why very plain ?

And I said : Why didst thou send no answer to my

message, and why didst thou summon me at sunset, and

yet go away, leaving me nothing but the scorn of thy

servants at thy gate ?

 

And she looked at me in blank amazement, and she

said : What dost thou mean ? I never got any message,

and if any summons came to thee, it was not sent by me.

For I have not heard anything of thee at all, since I left

thee at midnight in my boat.

 

And as she spoke, there came a mist before my eyes,

and all the blood in my body rushed suddenly into my

heart, as if to burst it, and then as suddenly left it, so

that I almost swooned. And all at once, I exclaimed

with a shout : Chaturikd ! Ah ! then I was deceived !

Ah ! then it was not thou ! Ah I then I was not slighted

by thee as a thing to be despised ! Ah ! then thou art

not as they say, one that forgets and throws away her

lovers almost as soon as she has seen them first ! Ah !

had I only known, I never would have stolen unawares

into thy privacy to-night ! Say, say, that thou art not

such a woman as they say !

 

And again she looked at me, with those strange quiet

eyes ; and after a while, she said with a sigh : Thou art

right. They say, but they do not understand. And yet,

 

what does it matter what they say ? Is it my fault, if every

man that sees me is seized as it were with madness, and

instantly steps over the line that divides friendship from

passionate affection, asking me for what I cannot give him,

with such eager insistence, that in my own defence I am

driven to dismiss him altogether? And she smiled, and

she said, with playfulness and wistful eyes : Must I

belong to everyone, merely because he claims me as his

own, and his property, and give myself to everyone that

sees me in a dream ?

 

And I trembled from head to foot, and I said in a

voice that shook with entreaty and emotion like a leaf :

Ah ! then have I thy permission to stay with thee

to-night, notwithstanding my overweening presumption

in coming of my own accord without an invitation?

Ah ! I did not know : my heart is breaking : do not send

me away !

 

And as she stood, looking at me with irresolution, I

stretched my hands towards her, absolutely senseless,

and not knowing what I did. And she hesitated for

yet a little while ; and then, with a sigh, she put her two

hands into my own. And with a shudder of joy, I

pulled hf-r to me, and caught her once more in my arms,

and began to kiss her, with hot tears that fell upon her

face, quivering all over with the extremity of my agita-

tion, and not believing that it was not a dream.

 

And then, after a long while, I came, somehow or

other, to my senses, and became, a little, master of my-

self. And I looked at her with eyes dipa with affection,

 

and I took her two arms, and put them round my neck.

And I whispered in her ear : Now give me a kiss for

every day that I have not seen thee, since I fell asleep

in thy boat. And as if with resignation and compliance

and submission to my will, she did exactly as I told her,

stopping time after time, but I would not let her stop.

And at last, I stopped. And I said : There are more

still owing, for thou hast not counted right. But now

I will ask thee a question, just to give thee time to

breathe.

 

XXVII

 

And as I held her still in my arms, with her own arms

round my neck, she said : Ask. Then I said : Didst

thou know, when I came to thee last time, that my

coming delayed me in a matter of life and death ? And

she said : Something I knew, from the chatter of

Chaturik^. And I said : Didst thou know that my

kingdom depended on my going fast ? For as it is, I

lost it, all by coming late. And she said : It was no

business of mine. And I said : What ! wouldst thou

deprive me of a kingdom, by placing thyself, for a single

sunset, in the other scale ? And she said : I did not bid

thee stay. I had sent to thee already, asking thee to

come : and if another summons called thee, after mine,

the choice was thine, between them. I told thee only,

I awaited thee : and it was true. And I said : What if

I had not come ? And she said : Then it may be, thou

wouldst have kept thy kingdom, and lost thy interview

 

with me. That is all. It was not I, who had any-

thing to do either with causing thy dilemma, or deter-

mining Its conclusion. And I said : Beyond a doubt,

the loss of any kingdom would be a trifle in comparison

with thy affection : and yet the loss is certain, and the

affection doubtful. For I showed thee very plainly

which I chose, and my kingdom is gone. I have thrown

it clean away for thy sake. And have I its equivalent ?

Wilt thou make it up to me by giving me thy soul ? And

she said, gently : It is not mine, to give away, for I

belong to Narasinha, body and soul, as I told thee

long ago.

 

And I said : How canst thou say so, when I hold thee

in my arms? And she said, quietly: Thou art but a

momentary accident, due rather to my yielding myself,

against my own will, and of pity for thy unhappy passion,

than to any hold that thou hast on my heart. And

Narasinha learned of thy former visit to me in this

garden, as very soon he will learn of this also, since I

tell him every detail of my life, great or small. And he

made me promise never to see thee any more. And so

I had intended : but thou hast managed to steal in,

somehow or other, of thy own accord. It is not by my

doing that thou art here now at all.

 

And I let her go, and stood gazing at her with

amazement, that was mixed with bitter disappointment

and irritation, and fierce exasperation at this obstacle of

Narasinha, who, out of my reach, and hiding behind her

as a screen, issued orders that I was to be shut out of

 

 

 

her garden and banished from her presence, whether she

would or not. And my heart swelled with resentment

and indignation, and I said : O Tara wall, Narasinha may

shut his eyes, or not, as he chooses, but I am very different,

and will not take orders as to thee, from him or anybody

else. Thou art my mistress and not his. And she shook

her head, and she said, very gently : Nay, thou dost not

understand. I am not anybody’s mistress. I am my

own mistress, and do exactly as I please, whether he or

any other like it or not. There lives not the man who

shall say to me : Here is a line, and over it, thou shalt

not step. And whatever I do, I do, of my own free will,

not of obedience, but of my own consent. I have given

my body and soul away, but my will is mine.

 

And I said with emphasis : I have bought thee at the

price of a kingdom, and become a beggar on thy account,

and mine thou art, by right. Dost thou actually tell

me, I am to lose my kingdom, and get absolutely nothing

in exchange? And she said, always with the same

sweet and quiet voice, whose tone never varied, adding

by the very charm of its gentle music fire to the

exasperating sting that lay in the words it said : I have

nothing at all to do with thy kingdom, and if thou hast

lost it, 1 am very sorry : yet blame not me for its loss, but

thyself alone, for the choice was thine. And moreover,

I am not for sale. I give myself, or part of me, to

anyone I choose. It is for dealers and merchants to

bargain. I never bargain. I am a Queen. And I said

in wrath : Thou shalt give thyself no longer to anyone

 

 

but me. Thou hast already cheated me by making me

the loser in a bargain where I lose all, gaining nothing

in exchange. But I will have either my kingdom or thy-

self : and if not the kingdom, which is gone, then thee.

And she said quietly : Say nothing rash, or harsh, or ill-

considered. It is not I that have cheated thee out of

thy kingdom : it is no one but thyself.

 

And I exclaimed : What ! didst thou not cheat me by

telling me thou didst love me long ago ? And she broke

in instantly, and said : I said nothing of the kind : it is

thy own imagination. I never told thee anything so

false as that I loved thee. And I said : Nay, not in

words, but in a language deeper far than any words.

What woman ever gave a man what thou hast given me,

without telling him very plainly, he was the object of her

love? And she said quietly: It was but thy own

inference, and utterly unwarranted. And I said :

Why didst thou then allow me to make love to thee at

all? And she said, very gently: I did not ask, nor even

wish thee, to make love to me at all. But I was touched

by thy emotion, and thy passion, and thy miserable

longing, and willing to soothe it, and gratify it, for an

instant, letting thee taste that nectar for which thou wert

so obviously dying : for I am kind.

 

And I exclaimed with a shout : Kind ! Why, what

is thy kindness but the very extremity of unkindness ?

What ! and did all thy caresses mean absolutely nothing?

And she said, very gently : They meant exactly what

they were, gifts and boons, bestowed of sheer com-

 

 

 

 

passion : and if from their receipt, thou hast drawn the

conclusion that thy affection was returned, it is not so :

it is only thy own unjustified construction, for thou art

not, and never can be, anything to me, but the thing that

thou wilt not be, a mere friend. And I said : What

kind of a woman art thou to betray me with kisses?

And she said : I am only what I am : but thou art most

unfair to me, and instead of peevishly demanding of me

what I cannot give, and growing so unreasonably angry,

thou oughtest rather to be very grateful to me, for giving

thee anything at all I told thee almost as soon as I

had seen thee, in the very beginning of all, that I

belonged, body and soul, to Narasinha: and yet not-

withstanding, I took pity on thee, for thy misery, and

gave thee, by concession, what I might very easily have

refused, humouring thy weakness like that of a child,

crying for what he cannot have. But never did I

promise thee anything beyond : and I even told thee, if

thou canst remember it, that it might injure thee and

could not do thee any good. But thou wert blind, and

as it were buried in thy dream. Did I not warn thee,

and entreat thee beforehand, not to blame me, when the

dream was over, and reality returned? And when I had

surfeited thy longing, and dismissed thee, I meant it to

be the end, for it was all I had to give. In all, it is not

I, that have in any way whatever deceived thee : thou

hast all along only deceived thyself. And if I have

deceived at all, it is myself alone I have deceived, by

expecting any gratitude for the boon of my compassion,

 

 

and the favour that I poured on thee with no miser’s

tiand, because I blamed myself for being innocently

guilty of becoming the unintentional object of thy

passion, and its involuntary cause.

 

XXVIII

 

And I listened, so utterly confounded by the very

simplicity of her apology, which overturned all my

accusations, and put me in the wrong, that I stood in

silence, unable to find anything to say. And in my

stupefaction, I began to laugh. And I said : Ha !

Nectar when she turns towards thee : poison when she

turns away ’ Hast thou never heard the Queen’s verse ?

And she said : What ! wilt thou actually lay on me the

burden of refuting the silly slander of a rhyme, circulated

by little rascals merely for want of something else to say ?

Can I help what they say, or shall I even stoop to listen

when they say it, who will say anything of queens,

without shame for the envious venom of their own base

insignificance, knowing all the time absolutely nothing,

but making mere noise, like frogs all croaking together in

a marsh ? Or if I must absolutely answer, in spite of my

disdain, how can I prevent any lover, such as thyself,

from persuading himself of what he wishes to believe ?

For all of them resemble thee, behaving like unreasonable

bulls, the very moment that they see me, and pestering

me like flies, to my torment, and yet would blame me

for driving them away. And every one of them, exactly

9

 

 

like thee, imagines me his own, for no reason that I am

ever able to discover, although I tell them all, exactly

as I told thee, that I belong to Narasinha.

 

And I said in wrath : I will slice off the head of

Narasinha, by and by, as I have done already for some

of his tools. And I will not be the plaything of a

moment, to be cast aside the next. I have lost a

kingdom for thy sake, and will have thee to repay me,

whether thou wilt or no. And she said with a smile :

Thou art angry, and talking nonsense in thy anger, as

angry men will. Dost thou not see that thou art bereft of

thy senses ? For, kingdom or no kingdom, how canst

thou be so silly as to propose to force me, willy nilly, to

love thee when I do not love ? If I loved thee, I should

say so, and all force would be superfluous : if not, it

would be not only useless, but injurious to thy own

cause, seeing that the more thou forcest, the less wilt thou

obtain ; nay, whereas now thou art indifferent, thou wilt

bring it about that I shall hate thee in the end, as I am

beginning to do a very little even now. And then it

will be worse for thee in every way. For thou dost not

seem ever to remember that I am, after all, not only a

woman, but a queen.

 

And I looked at her as she spoke, saying to myself :

She is wrong, for nobody looking at her ever could

forget it, even for a moment, just because, like the grace

of a lily, it is forgotten by herself, and she would still be

a queen, even if she were not a queen at all. And she

looks at me, notwithstanding the biting reproof in her

 

 

words, with exactly the same intoxicating and caressing

sweetness, as if I were still a dear friend with whom she

were unwilling to quarrel. And I gazed at her, yearn-

ing towards her with every fibre of my soul, and yet

exasperated almost beyond endurance at the thought

that she was keeping me like a stranger at a distance

from her heart, in order to preserve it for another. And

after a while, I said slowly : If thy affection is not to be

given to me, it shall never be given to anybody else.

And she said, as if with curiosity : Thou art surely mad.

For how canst thou prevent any other from following thy

own example, and doing just what thou hast done

thyself, losing thy reason at the sight of me, as all men

always do ? Dost thou not see that my power to excite

affection is far greater than thine to prevent it? And

I said : It would be very very easy for me to prevent all

others from ever loving thee again.

 

And she looked at me with eyes, in w’hose unruffled

calm there was not even the faintest shadow of any

fear. And she said quietly : I understand thee very

well, and yet for all that I tell thee thou art raving, and

thou art, without knowing it, very like the very man thou

hatest most, Narasinha. For often he has said to me

the very same thing that thou art saying now : and yet,

though according to thee, the thing is very easy, he finds

it so difficult as to be utterly impossible. For he cannot

endure to do without me, even in a dream, and cannot

therefore bring himself to slay me, as he is constantly

threatening to do, knowing very well that he might rather slay himself, since once I am gone, he will never find

another me, to put in my place. And this is true, even

though I cannot understand it : just as I cannot under-

stand what it is that makes me indispensable to thee or

to anybody else. For I know it only by its effect. And

so I am my own protection, against all his threats, or

thine. And if I had thought otherwise, what could have

been easier, since thou talkest of easy things, than to

have summoned my attendants and bade them put thee

out, when it may be, thy life would have paid for thy

marvellous impertinence, in intruding unbidden, as

perhaps it still may, without any instigation of my own

at all? Thou dost not seem to understand that all this

while thy own life is in far greater danger than mine;

since thou hast done a thing that will not be forgiven

thee by others, though I myself have not only forgiven

thee, but well understanding the fiery goad that drove

thee into my presence, have treated thee, for yet

once more, with kindness and condescension far be-

yond any deserts of thine. And for all return, thou

art threatening even to slay me. But I am destitute

of fear.

 

And she stood before me in the moonlight, that

turned her as it clung to all her limbs into a thing

beautiful beyond all earthly dreams, absolutely fearless,

and with a dignity whose royalty was not only that ot a

queen, but of loveliness laughing to scorn all possible

comparison, seeming to say without the need of any

words : Art thou brave enough, and fool enough, to lay

 

rude hands on such a thing as I am, or even if thy folly

were equal to thy courage, canst thou find it in thy heart

to think of violence offered to it, by thyself or any

other, even in a dream? And my heart burned, for

sheer adoration, and yet strange ! it began to sink at the

very same time, as I gazed at her, looking at me quietly

in return. For there was something absolutely unanswer-

able, not only in herself, but in everything she said, and

yet her very simplicity that overwhelmed me with its

soft irrefutable sweetness increased the torture of my

hopeless admiration every time she spoke. And suddenly

I struck my hands together in despair. And I exclaimed :

Ah ! thou marvel of a woman and a queen, I am

conquered by thee, and I am on the very verge of

falling at thy feet in a passion of tears, craving thy

forgiveness as a criminal, so bewildering is the double

spell of thy beauty and thy intelligence, and the candour

of thy strange soul, which drives me mad with its inex-

plicable charm. But what does it matter to me, hate me

or love me, if I am never to see thee any more ? Aye !

Narasinha may not find it in him to slay thee for thy way-

ward and beautiful independence, but then he can see thee

every day, exactly as he chooses : whereas I, once I go

away this night, am outcast : for well I understand that

thou or he will see to it that I never come again. Dost

thou imagine I can bear it? And again I struck my

hands together with a cry. And I exclaimed : Curse on

my birth, and the crimes of the births that went before it,

that I was not born Narasinha ! for he has cut me from

 

 

 

my happiness, and stolen from me the very fruit of being

born at all '

 

And in my frenzy, I seized her in my arms once more,

desperately clutching, as it were, at the bliss escaping

from my reach in her form. And I said to her, as I held

her tight: Tell me, had Narasinha never lived, could I

have been to thee what he is now ? And she extricated

herself, very gently, from my arms, and stood back,

looking at me with meditative eyes : and after a while,

she said doubtfully, yet with a little smile on her lips :

Perhaps. But I am not sure. Thou art a little over-

bearing. And yet I like thee, somehow, but I love thee

not at all. And yet again, it may be, that had I met

thee sooner, I might have looked at thee with other

eyes. And I bear thee no malice, if indeed thou art a

criminal, for any of thy crimes, since I was their occasion.

But what after all is the use of supposition as to what

might be were Narasinha away, since as it is, he is here,

an obstacle in the way, not to be surmounted by any

means whatever? And so, thy case is hopeless. And

I tried to make thee understand, in vain : since thou

wilt not take denial or listen to any reason. And I went

to such a length, out of kindness, as to give thee one

single evening, packed as full as it could hold with all

the sweetness I could think of, giving myself up, so to

say, to the insatiable thirst of thy arms, and thy craving

desire to be caressed and kissed by only me, and

embodying thy dream, and turning myself into an

instrument of that nectar of feminine intoxication for which thou wert ready to die, and putting myself without reserve absolutely at thy disposal, only to find my kindness miserably requited by ingratitude and undeserved reproaches, and even menaces and threats. And

as I said, to-night, when by underhand contrivance thou

didst force thyself upon me, I never punished thee at all,

as many another queen might do, but took pity on thy

desolation and forgave and overlooked all thy insolence,

without being in the very least deceived by thy fustian

beginning, which I easily discerned to be a ruse^ to

enable thee perhaps to steal back into my favour, all

founded on a misinterpretation of the woman that I am.

For had I really been what people say, and what,

listening to them, thou didst imagine me, thy foolish

plan might perhaps have been successful, but I am very

different indeed. And yet, even so, thy part was played

so poorly, that it failed almost as soon as it began, since

it needed but a touch of my finger to make thee drop

thy mask, and reveal thyself to be, what all the time I

knew thee, a lover in the depths of despair. For love is

very hard to hide, and thou couldst scarcely hope to

deceive even those who are very easy to deceive, as I am

not. And as I watched thy clumsy effort, sitting as it

did so ill on one so simple and direct as thou art, I could

not prevent my compassion from mixing with a very

little laughter, remembering the ass in the Panchatantra,

who clothed him in a lion's skin, forgetting that his ears

betrayed him, to say nothing of his voice. And now

for the second time I have given thee something that I would have refused thee altogether, had caresses of compassion been any argument of love. But understand well, that there will be no third opportunity : for this is thy farewell. Go as thou hast come, for I will not attempt to penetrate thy secret, nor have thy footsteps dogged.

 

XXIX

 

And as I listened, I knew that all was over, and that

her words were my doom : for I understood that she

was stronger far than I, and in a position absolutely im-

pregnable by any efforts I might make. And I stood

gazing at her silently with a tumult in my soul that could

find no utterance in words. And I said at last, in a very

low voice : Is thy decision irrevocable, and am I really

never to see thee any more ? And she said : Even this

time is more than I had allowed thee, and I am afraid

for thee. Aye! I fear that thy life is the forfeit thou

wilt pay. Yet blame not me for anything that may

occur. For Narasinha would have slain thee already, as

he is furiously jealous of anything that comes near me

in the form of a man, had I not myself expressly inter-

fered in thy behalf, making him swear to overlook thy

former trespass on a ground that he considers as his own.

But he will not listen to me now. And to-morrow, as

soon as he discovers what has taken place to-night, for

I cannot hide it, he will take measures to prevent thy

ever coming back, very likely such as thou thyself hinted

at, of me, a little while ago. Thou art looking at me now for the very last time ; and remember, I told thee myself, I will take no blame, if thy temerity turns out to have cost thee dear. Farewell, and if thou canst, forget me, and go away to a great distance, without the loss of a single moment. For in a very little while, thou mayst find, there will not even be the chance, and it will be too late.

 

And instead of going, I stood, rooted to the spot like

a tree, gazing at her thirstily, in a stupor of despair, and

saying to myself : What ! can it really be possible that I

am actually looking at her now, as she says, for the very

last time in my life, doomed to go here, or there, in

the world, without ever seeing her again, knowing all

the while that she is, still, somewhere to be seen, and

actually being seen, only not by me? Out upon such

horror, for it would be less, even if she were dead !

And she, so kind, so gentle, how in the world can she

stand there, bidding me with a wave of her hand, in that

low sweet voice of heis, to go away to a great distance,

to save my life, knowing well, for she is very clever, that

she is taking it away, by banishing me for ever ? And

am I just to be thrown away at the bidding of

Narasinha ?

 

And at the thought, all at once I began to laugh with

sheer rage. And I said to myself : What ! must I turn

my back on heaven, and go meekly down to hell, at the

order of Narasinha ? Would she banish me at all, but

for Narasinha? Who in the world is Narasinha? Is

Narasinha my master? Is he even her master, for as it seems, she is rather his? Are these his orders, or her

own ? Ha ! now, I wonder. What if after all this

Narasinha were only a man of straw, doing exactly as he

is told, and acting as her agent and her instrument, for

the sake of what she gives him? Is it likely, after all,

that he orders, and she obeys ? And am I being fooled,

and handed over by herself to banishment, or even death,

behind the screen of Narasinha ?

 

And I looked at her as she stood, patiently waiting

for me to go, with a soul torn to pieces by rage, and

suspicion, and love-longing, and flat refusal to go away.

And suddenly there came into my recollection Hariddsa,

saying as he stood outside the door : Nectar when she

turns towards thee : poison when she turns away. And

I said to myself : So now, she turns away. And can she

possibly not know, what becomes of all her lovers ?

 

And I went up to her, all at once, and took her by

her two hands, and looked straight into her eyes. And

I said : Taiawali, thou choosest thy servants well. I

know the use of Chaturika. And now dimly I begin to

see the use of Narasinha. Does he never tell thee

where he throws the bodies of thy old lovers, when thou

hast finished with their souls ?

 

And then, strange 1 her eyes wavered, as if unable to

meet my own. And like a flash of lightning, I under-

stood. And I exclaimed : Ha ! have I found at last the

question that thou canst not answer, and laid my finger

on the flaw in thy consummate skill ? So then, this was

all but a comedy that thou wert playing, to shift the

 

 

 

blame from thy own shoulders and turn me over to

extinction at the hands of Narasinha? Ah ! thou art

thy own mistress, and not one to obey. But ah ! thou

lovely lady that hast no pity for thy poisoned lovers, it is

not the lover this time that shall die. And thou shalt

meet thy master for the first time in thy life.

 

And I looked at her for a single instant in a frenzy of

fierce hatred that suddenly blazed up from the ashes

of my dead devotion, lying scorned and cheated and

betrayed by the idol it adored. And I seized her in the

grip of death, and tore fiom my arm the lute-string that

was wound about my wrist. And I said : Dear, I never

gave thee thy music-lesson : but now I will give thee a

very long one on a single string. And in an instant, I

twisted it about her neck, and drew it tight, holding her

still as she struggled, in an ecstasy of giant strength.

And so I stood, trembling all over, for a very long time.

And at last, I felt that she lay in my arms like a dead

weight, hanging as it were against her will in the terrible

embrace of a lover that loved with hatred instead of

love.

 

And I laid her down very gently, turning carefully

away, that I might not see her face. And I went away

very quickly, and all at once, as I went, I fell down and

began to sob, as if my heart would break. And at last,

after a long while, I got up, and stood, thinking, and

looking back under the trees. And I crept back on

tiptoe, and looked and saw her at a distance, lying in the

moonlight, very still, like the tomb of my own heart.

 

 

 

And then I turned sharp rounds and went away for good

and al], without a soul. And I said to myself in agony :

Now I have made the whole world empty with my own

hand, and it w^as myself that I have killed, as w^ell as her.

And now I will go after her as soon as I possibly can.

But there is one thing still to do, before I go, for I have

to give another lesson to Narasinha. Only this time I

will not use a lute-string, but crush out his soul with my

bare hands.

 

Ha ! Narasinha, I have told thee, and thou knowest

all. And now thou hast only to count the hours that are

left to thee, for I am coming very soon.

 

 

 

Ill

 

 

A STORY WITHOUT AN END

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ill

 

 

 

And then, Maheshwara tossed the last leaf into the air.

And as it floated away down the stream, he said to the

goddess, as she listened with attention : And yet he

never came, as I told thee at the beginning. For

Narasinha was beforehand with him, after all.

 

And the Daughter of the Snow sat silent, looking

away down the river after the floating leaf, until it was

lost to sight. And then she said slowly : Why didst

thou say in the beginning that Tara waif was the most

extraordinary of all women, past, present, or to come ?

For I w^as deceived by thy encomium, expecting a woman

altogether different from her, who was only but a

specimen of her sex.

 

And the Moony-crested god burst into loud laughter.

And he exclaimed : Speak low, O Snowy One : for if

thy mortal sisters overheard thee betraying their secrets

and their cause, they would be very angry, and perhaps

begin to curse thee as a traitor, instead of offering thee

worship, as they all do now. What ! dost thou actually

 

J43

deem her to be but a type of all the rest ? Surely, thou

must have been asleep all the time that I was reading,

after all: since thou hast either misunderstood her

altogether, or it may be, wilt not do her justice, out of

jealousy : since no woman in the three worlds can ever

be trusted to judge another fairly, treating her always as

a criminal and a rival, and falling on her tooth and nail,

especially if, like T£riwalf, she sets custom at defiance,

going by an independent standard of her own. But

now, let me help thee to see how utterly mistaken is thy

estimate of a character so rare as hardly to be matched

in the whole of space and time for her cleverness and

her candour and her tianquillity of soul, leaving her

beauty out of the account, as .that one element in her

common to a very host of others. For the Creator was

not such a bungler as to confine all feminine beauty to a

single instance, but scattered it universally, since almost

every woman in the world, no matter what her face be

like, shares in the wonderful fascination exerted over

men by the shape essential to her sex, which is far the

most important thing of all, being general instead of

special, as every woman seen dimly in the dark, or at a

distance, or with her face hidden by a veil, will prove,

being then above all most attractive when her face

cannot be seen at all : as the story that I told thee

of the ugly lady, not long ago, shows, if thou hast not

forgotten it.^ Whereas the thing special to Tirawalf

 

^ A very beautiful story in the MS., which has not yet seen the

light. The opinion of the deity is corroborated by that veiy clever was her incomparable soul, in which were mingled

elements hardly ever to be found combined, gentleness

and strength, and simplicity almost naive, with subtlety

beyond all comparison, and pride that never took

offence, and superlative beauty with humility, and sub-

missiveness with extreme independence of spirit, and

kindness without weakness, and feminine sweetness of

disposition with the intellectual vigour of a man, and his

courage, and his candour, all of which combined with

her extraordinary bodily beauty to make her a paragon

of intoxication utterly irresistible to every male^ she

came across, like a very Prakriti in a woman’s form.

 

And P^rwatf said: How canst thou lavish such

praise on a woman so deservedly slain by her infuriated

lover, when he suddenly awoke to the discovery of the

real nature behind the mask?

 

And the great god laughed again, and he looked at

her shrewdly and he said : Aha ! Snowy One, said I not

that thou wert asleep as I read ? I shall have to repeat

to thee the story all over again another time. Dost thou

actually not see that all she said, from beginning to end,

 

woman, Lady Mary Woitley Montagu, who says in one of her

letters from Constantinople that if women went without clothes, the

face would hardly count at all. Nearly all of them would gain

immensely by wearing a permanent veil, but the pretty ones would

never consent to it.

 

^ Purusha is the philosophical term for the Primordial Male, of

which Prakriti is the female antithesis. The god is combining

Goethe and Swinburne: the “eternal feminine” and the “holy

spirit of man.”

 

 

 

was absolutely true ? For Shatrunjaya told the whole

story very well, as he understood it; but he did not

understand completely, and made a terrible error in the

most important point of all, being led astray by what he

had heard, and easily taken in. For blinded by his rage

against his rival Narasinha, he came suddenly to the

wrong conclusion, and slew her by mistake, never so

much as giving her time for any explanation. For her

eyes never wavered, as he thought, for guilt, but for

quite another reason. And Narasinha really was,

exactly as she said, her tyrant, nor had she anything to

do with his assassination of her lovers, which he com-

mitted all on his own account, out of jealousy, paying no

attention at all to her intercession. But in her gentle-

ness, she shrank from the very idea of any violence, and

this was the true cause of the wavering of her eyes, fore-

seeing as she did another attempt on Shatrunjaya, which

she could not avert. And my heart was grieved at her

death at the hands of a lover whose life she had saved,

and would have saved again if she could. For she was

worth far more than he.

 

And the Daughter of the Snow said : But what was

she doing with such a multitude of lovers at all ?

 

And Maheshwara said: Thou art like Shatrunjaya

himself, biased against her by the insinuations of

Haridasa, and the discreditable behaviour of that little

liar Chaturik^, who betrayed her as well as others, and

by the idle talk of the people, which she rightly com-

pared herself to the croaking of so many frogs. For low

 

 

 

 

people always put the very worst interpretation upon the

actions of kings, and especially of queens, of whom all

the time they know less than nothing, exactly as she

said. And Shatrunjaya’s opinion of her wavered, in

spite of all his worship, being coloured by the scandal

that he heard, so that he saw her through its mist, as

strangers always do. And if she had too many lovers, it

was all the fault of the Creator, who endowed her with

such fascination, combined with the kindness of her

heart : since she blamed herself for their misery, and

could not bear to send them away without making them

as it were some reparation for her crime of being beauti-

ful beyond all resistance. And this was her only fault.

 

Then said the Mountain-born, with emphasis ; I hate

her : for a woman should confine herself to one.

 

And Maheshwara said, looking at her with affection :

Ah ! Snowy One, thou art right, and thou art wrong.

For not every woman is a counterpart of thee. And

moreover, to be rigidly inaccessible ^ is terribly hard,

when a woman is as she was, a very incarnation of

bewildering intoxication, and kind into the bargain.

For then she resembles a fortress, besieged night and

day and mined everlastingly by innumerable hosts

absolutely determined to get in; and sleepless indeed

must be the garrison that guards it j and often it yields

of sheer weariness and fatigue, unable any longer to

endure the strain. And Tarawali was absolutely right

when she said that her lovers drove her, against her

^ See note ante, p. 47.

 

inclination, into the reputation of a lady of many lovers,

since they were all so infatuated by the very sight of her

that they never let her alone. For love that really finds

its object will face ten thousand deaths to reach it, and is

very hard to repel. And it laughs in utter scorn at

arguments, and bribes, and barriers, and dangers, and

refusals, bent with a burning heart upon one thing only,

to reach its goal, dead or alive, no matter which. And

when a woman is an incarnation of that object, she

moves the whole world with her little finger, and is fatal,

and raised into a category above all ordinary rules.

And Tdrjiwali was moreover in a peculiar position, for

her husband had thrown her away of his own accord, so

that she actually belonged to nobody but herself, and

injured herself alone, if she could not always help yield-

ing when a lover pushed her terribly hard, by touching

her heart like Shatrunjaya in the matter of his dream.

And very few indeed are the women who would not

have done the same, for he was a great musician, and a

man among men, and very young. And very rare indeed

is the woman who is qualified to censure her. For most

women keep their wheel upon the track, either because

nobody ever tries to make them leave it, or simply for

fear, either of being punished, or of other women’s

tongues. And not one in a crore could have resisted

half the pressure that Tarawalf had to bear, for the very

greatest of a winning woman’s charms is exactly the one

which she possessed in supreme perfection, her soft and

delicious willingness to oblige and please, and place all the

 

 

sweetness of her personality at the absolute disposal of her

lover, as Shatrunjaya understood at the very first sight of

her : a thing so utterly irresistible, that when it is com-

bined, as it was in her, with intelligence masculine in its

quality, its owner sweeps away every man’s reason like a

chip in a flood. And there was a special reason for

Tarawali’s intelligence.

 

And the goddess said : What was the reason ? And

the Moony-crested god said : It was the necessary con-

sequence of the actions of a former birth. For in the

birth before, she was a man, doomed hy gati"^ to become

a woman in the next, by reason of a sin. And she said

again : What sin ? Then said Maheshwara : Ask me

another time, O thou cajoler : for it is a long story, and

now I have no more leisure: since I must go and

bestow the favour of my presence on a ceremony per-

formed by a pious devotee who has built me a new

temple at Wdranasi. And canst thou guess who it is ?

 

And the Daughter of the Snow said : How in the world

can I guess his name, of whom I never heard before?

 

And the Moony-crested god said : It is not a he, but

a she: being no other than Tarawali herself, in yet

another birth. And she is still only a woman, for she

has not yet succeeded in raising herself by merit into the

condition of a man. And it may be long before she

 

1 A very short word for a very long process, and untranslatable

by any English equivalent. It means the whole system of the laws

of metempsychosis, running in a long chain forward into the future,

and back into the past.

 

 

succeeds. For it is easy to sink, but it is hard for any

creature to rise into a status of being superior to its own,

and the women who emerge into manhood are very rare.

For the goodness that is synonymous with real existence ^

is only to be found in those who have behind them the

accumulated effort and desert of ages, standing on a

peak loftier by far than any of thy father’s snowy summits,

which cannot be attained in any single birth by no

matter what exertions or austerities. But when once

any being has attained it, emancipation dawns, touching

it into colour more beautiful by far than any tints the rising

sun has ever thrown on newly fallen mountain snow.

 

^ That is, sat oi = goodness, or true being.

 

 

 

 

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